28 June 2007

How much longer?

I'm quickly realizing that this summer - at least thus far - has been a gigantic waste of my time. Outside of working, I've really done nothing that I deem worthy of anything close to a good memory. Perhaps it's because I'm working too much. And believe it or not, I'm completely broke. So my busy schedule coupled with my limited funds has caused this summer to be a bust. A joke. And what's worse, fall semester is coming soon and I'm going to feel like I've had not time to recover from last semester, setting myself up for yet another disappointing year academically.


Life just seems to be a constant battle right now - a battle to stay on track and reach for the goal ahead. When I get depressed like this, I keep reminding myself that things will be better in August. Once Charles is back from touring God knows where, and once UofL pays me, then things will be better.

But will they?

I would like to believe that money and having the love of my life back will solve everything, but I doubt that it will. I foresee perhaps one week of bliss before its all ruined with classes, tests, and papers galore. And no matter how much I wish to believe that I can hold down three jobs while balancing Charles and school, I know that it simply cannot be done; not without sacrificing myself physically and academically. Something has to give.

So let's get my priorities straight:
1) School - I MUST complete whatever I've started here, regardless of how pointless it may feel now. No BA = no life. Period.

2) Charles - I have to remember that I'm no longer planning just for myself now, but for my partner as well. Our shared future must be in the front of my mind, meaning that I must plan my academic future - no matter how meager - around him. And, ultimately, a relationship cannot happen without time. I know that he and I will be living together, but doesn't mean that I can let up on making time for him. And I hope that he will feel the same way. In light of this time issue, I'm going to have to give up the hotel job - just to keep myself sane. We work together, we go to school together, we share the same room at home, but we still need time to ourselves: away from school, guard, etc. I've always said that I'm very protective of what's mine: this is something that I don't want to lose.

3) Guard - I've come to love the guard at Corydon. Yes, I have many headaches and sleepless nights, but I love working with the kids. It is by far the most fulfilling job I've ever had. Many people have advised me to give up this job - the pay is low and I have to actually pay to be at competitions/rehearsals, etc... But to me, it's all worth it. The kids are what make it worth it. They all love to see me and I love teaching them, not only about guard, but about themselves and what they can expect out of life. I wish now that I had had a teacher like this in my life back in highschool. I want to provide them with someone that is close to them in age and understands their unique positioning in life. Many of them have come and talked to me about things over the past year, and I'm both honored and humbled that they trust me enough to talk to me, that they see me as more than just their guard director.

So perhaps this summer will get better in the next few weeks. I'm going to try to treat guard and band camps as my vacation from work here in Louisville, and perhaps that will put me in a better mood. This may be some misdirected emotions that are coming through now... though I can't say exactly what those may be. I now I miss Charlie terribly, and that I would love for him to be home. I also feel very unsecured with my finances in such bad shape. I guess I'm just looking for a little assurance that things will be okay come August - that money will come in and that Charles and I will be able to pick up right were we left off.

How much longer must I wait for the assurance that is due me?