Penser, c'est reapprendre à voir

Moving

2008-07-24T10:49:00.002-04:00

I'm moving this blog over to Wordpress.

See me there at mangledgutspretending.wordpress.com/

For God's Sakes, Let Them Pee!

2008-07-03T10:23:00.003-04:00

Sometime I feel like I'm the only person pushing for post-identity politics...

Monica's recent post "Dag, Can I Pee in Peace" highlights the discrimination that transpeople face when trying to use public restrooms that match their gender presentation. Right-wingers try the same old scare tactics to whip the public into a frenzy...

But what I find more disturbing is that conservatives simply can't get past equating biology and gender. When couched in biology, "natural" gender presentation seems to stem from someone's genitals. But ask any sociologist and they'll tell you that gender presentation, gender roles, even the way in which we gender people are all social constructions, learned traits and qualities that have close to nothing to do with biology. Just because traditional gender roles are typically associated with having one set of genitalia or the other does not make that association correct. Tradition is not always right.

We need to move past the identity politics that hold gender roles to the rigid lines of biology. For God's sakes, let them pee where they please!

White Racist Frame Strikes Again

2008-07-03T09:39:00.005-04:00

Racism Review once again points out just how deeply rooted the white racist frame is in rural communities. So much misinformation is floating around about Obama and people simply refuse to hear anything to the contrary. Using the white racist frame allows ignorant people to mark Obama as unfit for office simply because of his skin color. How asinine.

Further, the white racist frame equates Muslims with terrorism. Newsflash: just because Obama has a different name, one that happens to sound similar to that of a well-known terrorist, does not mean that Obama himself is a terrorist. There's simply no connection; a non sequitur. Racism Review clearly points out that the white racist frame equates Islamic beliefs with terrorism, and by extension, Obama with terrorism, making him unfit (once again) for office.

This man’s statements also underscore an additional aspect of the white racial frame, one that has largely been neglected in much mainstream media discussion. In his statement of “the Muslim thing,” he reinforces a seemingly common idea that if Obama was a Muslim, his religious orientation would and should be sufficient to disqualify him from public office.

Bullshit.

I guess I'll take off my pissy pants

2008-06-25T12:49:00.006-04:00

I've been a little upset at "jake" and Pageone over that past few days for the not-so-nice words posted about the Fairness Campaign. While I believe he has every right to do his own investigative reporting, using negative criticism does nothing to solve the problem and does nothing more than add fuel to the drama fire.

That said, his update on the whole matter is a little more even-handed, though personal stabs are still present in the article. According to him (I was not present), Fairness did its part last night to be open and welcoming, and I know the organization will do all it can to support a complaint filed by Herndon with the OAG.

Hopefully this all gets resolved. Hopefully Herndon will file complaints with KREF and the OAG. Hopefully Fairness (Carla?) will throw some money into investigating the mail piece. Hopefully we’ll be able to out whomever is responsible. And hopefully everyone can take off their pissy pants and put on a clean pair so we can move forward.

I agree. Let's work to get this behind us and find some healing for our community.

Full article here.

Here we go again...

2008-06-25T11:33:00.007-04:00

Although I'm one of the "gays" who's pretty steamed at Pageonekentucky.com over the bashing of the Fairness Campaign, I still think this article follows well on my recent posts.

An editorial in the Breathitt County Voice once again bashing Obama for supposedly being a "Muslim Trojan horse". I concur, Pageone (link to their post)... this just makes me want to vomit:

On Obama’s family: “Due to his early Muslim background and paternal forbearers some believe that he could be a potential Muslim Trojan Horse, masquerading as a Christian. During these terrorist-threatening times when our future security is at risk, we can ill afford to have as our commander-in-chief someone we are not one hundred percent sure of their patriotism.”

On Obama supporters: “It seems Obama’s support is coming from a monolithic black vote, the college professors, extreme environmentalists, naïve young folks and those inclined to political socialism. Obama is rated as one of the most extreme liberals in the United States Senate. He supports an appeasement policy in our war against the terrorists, cuts in the military budget, secularism, abortion on demand, gay marriage masquerade as unions, gun restrictions, tax increases and broad general redistribution of the nation’s wealth from the haves to have nots.”

Read the full article here.

All the racism is pissing me off...

2008-06-23T10:36:00.004-04:00

So much so that I'm seriously thinking of moving to a more progressive country. I can't believe that there are still Americans out there who think that skin color has anything to do with whether you're a human or not, whether you deserve rights or not... And then reading comments on op-ed pieces in the CJ (see blockquote below) today piss me off. Alert: there are people out there who actually believe that racism doesn't exist and is just a leftist political ploy! Oh, the audacity!

Read here.

"Yes, government should do far more to relieve the burdens on those who struggle economically and work hard for little pay. And, yes, racism is a damaging reality that explains many of the problems faced by African-Americans -- including family breakdown itself."

SO, according to EJ, it's the white man's fault that the out-of-wedlock birth rate approaches 90% in the black community. And it's government's responsiblity to bail people out (read: more welfare).

EJ, can't you see that it's government who, through the liberal great society programs, has incentivized this behavior, and more intrusion will only make it worse? Why do you and your liberal minions (including Obama) always think government is the solution?

I had to look again at the author of this piece to make sure it wasn't written by Bette Baye. "It's not really their fault...it's racism.....government needs to fix it".....same old leftist manta.

Clerk to Stop Officiating?

2008-06-18T10:11:00.004-04:00

The recent Supreme Court Decision to lift the ban on gay marriage in California has caused little uproar. Yet one county clerk has taken it upon herself to refuse the sale of all marriage licenses in her county. In this NPR.org report, the clerk cites financial reasons for her decision, yet I believe her decision aligns too conveniently with the court's overturning of the same-sex marriage ban. While her office did not sell licenses on the first evening of the ban's lift, her office was forced to sell licenses to about forty same-sex couples today.

While the ban has been lifted for now, there has been a call for its reinstatement. The same-sex marriage ban will once again appear on the California ballot in November.

Obama and Black Fathers

2008-06-16T11:21:00.005-04:00

Racism Review did a nice critique of Obama's Father's Day speech. While his speech was well written and has some good points, I agree that the framing should have been different. Black families are not the only families that experience the lack of fatherly direction. Moreover, should we not be examining the causes of absent fathers, rather than blaming a racial group for their "self-created" family problems? How about social factors? Economic factors? Job availability? Education?

Obama does not deal with the racism these Black men face in his speech. What is always striking about such one-sided critiques, no matter who makes them, is that this problem is not a “Black fathers” problem. In the first place, this is a white-American and general American problem. He could have raised it in a much more balanced way. Why did he not address his sermon to all young men, including the large numbers of the “irresponsible” young fathers who are white? And, perhaps more importantly, where is the strong critique of a racist society that cannot provide decent educations and decent-paying jobs for young black men, indeed for every person who wants to work. Good fathers need decent jobs.

Go here for the article.

Faux News

2008-06-15T12:36:00.001-04:00

This is just getting to be too much... I've had it with Fox News (not that I watch Fox News anyway).

Go here. (racismreview.com)

Some Musings on Love: Part 1

2008-06-14T21:50:00.001-04:00

It's been about a year now since I've realized that I'm polyamourous. *You can pick you jaw up off the floor now* And several people have asked me what I think about love in light of my polyamourous views.

I've been wanting to post my thoughts on this subject, but have neglected to do so because 1) I really haven't had the time to mess with my thoughts, and 2) I wanted to be sure to have something semi-sensical to present. I know you may be thinking, "he's been through a bad break up, he's bitter, he's hurt and he's full of hot air!" Perhaps you're right. I'll leave that possibility open for the time being. I'll let you decide once you make it to the end of this.

So let me lay some foundations for my argument.
1. I believe that love does not exist. At least not in the way most people view love. Our (society's) notions of love are constructed and are heavily linked to sexism, racism, homophobia, etc. From early on, we are taught as children that we are to fall in love with one person, of the opposite sex (I won't go into the assumptions here), and that we are to marry and remain faithful to our "true love". While the narrative may be very romantic, it does nothing more than perpetuate heteronormativity and is anything (fasten your pew belts) but the "norm". Nowhere will you find a day care that actively educates children that there are many different kinds of families, save for perhaps in the Castro district. But then again, the gays aren't supposed to be having kids, right?

2. The construction of love has a history. But I won't bore you with the biblical implications of love, nor with those nasty Greeks and Eros... We'll just do a small bit of time travel. Alert: If you are like more than half of this country, you don't have a normal family (but that might be news to you). That's right folks, the nuclear family of the 1950s is still the standard. Husband, wife, two kids - oh, and did I forget to mention that the hierarchy of power follows that order? Everyone, please welcome Sexism to the stage! Granted many heterosexual relationships are becoming more egalitarian, but husband-over-wife domination is still very prevalent. Men are by and large considered the head of the household, and this image as man-as-leader is perpetuated by the media and by religious groups - but let's not open up that can of worms.

3. Love is a commodity. We are sold love in every aspect of our lives. Love comes pre-packaged in the form of flowers, silicone implants, and Barbie... AND with Love Spell from Victoria's Secret, love is quite literally in the air. Do you realize that the majority of the items you buy are to please the people around you or to make you're partner happy? And let's just bypass the whole issue of anniversaries, Valentine's day, Christmas, etc... Moreover, is it not painfully obvious how much money is spent in marketing "love" to consumers through the modeling industry - billboards, television commercials, radio spots, spam mailings, newsletters, newspaper ads, pop-ups (need I go on)?

I'll stop before you think I'm a delusional freak. ;-)

So, what is love, you ask? I'll save that one for part two.

How much is too much?

2008-06-13T10:25:00.006-04:00

Admittedly, I agree with some of the values that PETA holds. I believe that animals, who are dependent on us for their basic needs, should be treated ethically. I'm working on becoming a vegan (or at least vegetarian) who is aware of and educated on the commodification and trafficking of living, feeling beings in a greater global market. And while I respect an organization's right to protest, I have to wonder, how much is too much? Using scantily clad women? Blood? Bondage? (photo credit: reason.com)

I'll let you decide.

The end of gender?

2008-06-12T11:13:00.004-04:00

After all the gender studies I've been through, it's nice to finally see some research in support of what many genderist and feminists have been arguing for! Again, I think that a good look at masculinity and it's construction would do us all some good. Michael Kimmel, anyone?

Link here from feministing.com.

Better relationships without gender roles
I know this won't come as a shock to all you feminists, but relationships that don't hew to traditional gender roles are more equal.

Notably, same-sex relationships, whether between men or women, were far more egalitarian than heterosexual ones. In heterosexual couples, women did far more of the housework; men were more likely to have the financial responsibility; and men were more likely to initiate sex, while women were more likely to refuse it or to start a conversation about problems in the relationship. With same-sex couples, of course, none of these dichotomies were possible, and the partners tended to share the burdens far more equally.
While the gay and lesbian couples had about the same rate of conflict as the heterosexual ones, they appeared to have more relationship satisfaction, suggesting that the inequality of opposite-sex relationships can take a toll.

We've written a lot about research that shows unequal opposite-sex relationships "can take a toll" -- mostly on women, who are still stuck with the bulk of the housework. So it's understandable that, in a relationship where neither partner is socially "marked" as the one responsible for housework, things would be more equitable on that front.

Beyond the housework example, I thought the article was going to veer into "all women resolve conflict, and all men avoid it, therefore gay couples don't fight" territory. But I was pleasantly surprised. It's more about how couples interact within their relationship -- not necessarily about the gender of the individuals involved. I was relieved to see one of the researchers quoted as saying, "“Like everybody else, I thought this was male behavior and female behavior, but it’s not."

Of course, the overall frame for the article -- that same-sex couples are more equitable and therefore happier -- is a generalization. There are egalitarian hetero relationships. There are queer relationships where gender roles come into play. The take-away lesson should simply be that with more equality -- and with some breathing room from society's expectations for our gender -- we're all a lot happier in relationships.

Thanks, UofL

2008-06-09T10:21:00.006-04:00

Recently the University of Louisville has come under attack for supporting its LGBT faculty, staff and students. Right-wing conservative groups have been hailing UofL's creation of a center for LGBT Services, partnership benefits, and new LGBT curriculum (from the newly hired Dr. Kaila Story) as signs that UofL has lost touch with family values and seeks to support special interest groups.

I was relieved to read Dr. Shirley Willihnganz's op-ed piece that underscores UofL's commitment to diversity: not only in LGBT issues, but issues of race, nationality, research, development, etc. A university that supports and encourages diversity is the perfect model for coalitional learning. We not only learn from stats and facts, but from the life experiences of each other. It's only when we are able to examine the intersections of the issues that face all of us, regardless of where we fall in the identity comma set, that we can truly hope for change.

Please write to Dr. Willihnganz thanking her for the University's continued commitment to diversity.

From CJ <link here>

David Edmunds of the Family Foundation recently wrote a piece that attacked the University of Louisville for decisions made to help our gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender students, faculty and staff. Edmunds seemed bent on alerting the community to what he considers horrific practices and developments at U of L. So let's look at these "alerts." (For the record, we got this idea from PageOneKentucky.com.)

Alert: U of L has gay people. Yes we do. And straight people. Black people. White people. People of all races and ethnicities. Our commitment to diversity means that all kinds of people engage in their quest for knowledge and a better life by coming here. This is a good thing. Just as we learn from facts and data, we learn from each other. That learning is more effective and more meaningful if it happens in an environment of trust and tolerance. As President James Ramsey says, the University of Louisville, as well as the Louisville community, values diversity.
Alert: U of L has a center for LGBT. Yes we do. We also have centers for political leadership, for predictive medicine, for humanities and society, for spinal cord injury research, for international students and for the visual arts. All of these, and many others, contribute to the mosaic of opportunity for us to fulfill our mission of increasing understanding of ourselves and our world.
Alert: U of L faculty study drag queens. We also study cancer cells, pollution in our rivers and air, child abuse, the history of the underground railroad, movement disorders, the old and new testament, the mysteries of the heart, how to make manufacturing in Kentucky more competitive, how to build a logistics cluster in our community, and many other topics. This is the essence of a university and the core value of academic freedom. Universities must be unafraid to look at anything and everything that could make our world a better place. We can't shirk from asking those questions simply because some folks might not like them.
Alert: We are also committed to telling the truth. So, when writing articles, we get the salary right (The head of our LGBT center also works for HR, so not all of his salary is for LGBT services), we get the health insurance policy right (our policy covers certain adults living with an employee, and could include adult children, brothers, sisters, friends) and we get the tag line right:
Commitment to Diversity, Freedom and Truth: It's Happening Here.
SHIRLEY C. WILLIHNGANZ
Provost
University of Louisville
Louisville 40292

A follow-up

2008-05-14T11:05:00.003-04:00

Just a follow-up to my previous post; more evidence that racism is still rampant in our nation. Even that type of racism which is hidden, suppressed, and thought to be long gone still affects how we think/visualize people. It's still amazes me just how interpellated we all are into systematic modes of thinking.

Go here.

Confessions of a Neo-White Supremacist

2008-05-08T14:20:00.009-04:00

Given the atmosphere of the current political debates and the division within the Democratic Party, I'm not surprised that lay people are making such an issue over the gender and race questions present within both candidates' campaigns. What does surprise me, however, is the amount of ignorance I've seen over the past month. With the race heating up and coming down to the final wire, it's unfortunate to hear so many people take reductionistic views of the campaign. (Ireland.com photo credit.)

Take, for example, a recent conversation I've had over a few cigarettes with a construction worker staying at my hotel. I'll call the guy Tom (I don't know his real name). Tom and I were discussing the recent primaries in Indiana and North Carolina when he said, "It's sad that that black man is going to get the nomination."
"Why?" I asked.
Tom responded, "Well, he's just going to change a lot of things, ya know, for the black people, and forget about us whites. He's going to change a lot of laws - we'll be taking steps backwards."

Hidden (or perhaps not so well hidden) within his words is the racist notion that somehow black people deserve to be controlled, manipulated, commodified and used to the betterment of the only racial group deserving of power: whites.

I am still amazed at the amount of blatant racism that still exists in the country today. I was in shock at this man's statements - so much so that I didn't provide much of a retort. I did however, express that the man had one thing right in his assessment of the presidential race: thing will change with Obama as the nominee. But unlike my conversation partner, I believe things will change for the better. Given his speeches on race over the past few months, Obama understands the need this country has for healing and for a coalitional politics for the people. Change needs to happen. Ignorance needs to be wiped out. Education of the masses must happen if we are ever going to move beyond the white supremacist thinking.

Tom also did not realize how temporal his statements were. By stating that "changing laws" to favor a currently marginalized group will somehow "revert" the country to an older time seems odd to me. Kath Weston in Gender in Real Time shows how lesbian feminist of the early 90s used the "Old dyke at the bar" narrative to historicize their own current movement while positing the "old dyke" as an historical artifact. This use of the temporal allows the legitimation of the then contemporary movement as "current" and "progressive" while oppositionally setting the "old dyke" as a fictive character that stands in the way of progress. Thus Tom's statements that reify (and temporalize) slavery and civil rights narratives as a collective artifact legitimize his white supremacist claims. Again we see the reduction of myriad narratives (and many that are still contemporary) to a single time frame. What goes unnoticed by Tom or many other lay persons who hold similar views are the ways in which the past and negotiated uses of time or the temporal still affect and shape how we think of things today.

Thing must change. And change they will.

So long Sue! You'll be missed!

2008-05-07T17:51:00.004-04:00

Long-time sexologist and my favourite grandmother figure, Sue from Oxygen's Talk Sex with Sue is retiring! See this link.

An entry from a few years ago

2008-04-26T17:05:00.001-04:00

Sitting there waiting for it all to come crashing in, he rhymically breathes trying to keep his composure, trying to keep it all in. He closes his eyes, squeezing them shut. Nervously his hands run through his hair. Sweat begins to pour. His throat tightens; breathing becomes labored. His hands grab fist-fulls of hair, trying to regain composure, fighting the loss of control. All color drains from his face; breathing becomes faster, shallower. Throuh his eyelids he can see the scene begin to spin. Objects blur, lights become streaks of color, silence takes over. He can no longer take it; he gives up, lets go. He falls. A nauseating crack. A burst of light, white and blue, then blackness.

How Stella Got Her Groove Back

2008-04-20T16:13:00.002-04:00

It seems that things are finally looking up.

Or perhaps just not so bleak.

I feel awful, but my current state of mind stems partly from my ability to take part in the consumerism of this country: I've spent well over $100 today, and I've yet to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And what's more, most of this money has been spent on products for me. Not things like food or gas; we're talking hair products, soaps, a haircut, etc... But at least I feel better now about me and my self-image than I have in some months. I was ready for a change.

I need to take better care of myself. It's when I let myself go that I feel the worst.

I know it's cliche, but I've once again found that, when a door closes, another opens. This semester has been the end of much drama and it feels that I'm finally seeing the end of all the pressure, pain and confusion I've felt. The sky is clearing; the rain is subsiding and the summer sun is rising. If anything, I see my goals are finally being realized, that I can learn to forgive myself and the individuals who have caused me much grief. But more importantly, it's time to set new goals, to once again revision my future, whatever that may entail. I'm happy to be moving on, to finally have some sort of reason to pick myself up. I'm happy that I'm once again finding a reason to believe in humanity, to hope in the individuals around me.

I'm back on track. And it makes me smile. See... :-)

2008-04-12T17:50:00.002-04:00

I'm beginning to think something's wrong. I don't feel unhappy, depressed, down or anything like that. Nor do I feel tired or lonely.

"I'm counting on a new beginning

a reason for living

a deeper meaning"

Perhaps I'm losing focus here. Although I've registered for school next semester, I have no desire to go. I really have no desire to complete this semester... It all seems so pointless right now, and I can't tell why. School has always been my lighthouse, my refuge, the thing that keeps me going, and now my one guiding light is dimming.

Thoughts keep running through my mind, distracting me from the goal. All that's passed over the past few months has taken a toll on me. I question my ability to have a meaningful relationship, or even if I should; I question what it means to love another human. It seems that everything I touch falls apart.

Something needs to change. I need to move on, do something different, meet new people, try to find myself again. But I'm trapped... I'm so close to having my BA, to finishing school. Everyone else wants me to go on, and I guess I should.

I guess it comes down to this: I've fucked up two other lives, and passingly touched myriad others... and I've left parts of myself along the way. I guess in a way, they win.

Perhaps if I had been successful a few months ago, no one would have to deal with this... and neither would I.

I feel like I'm getting sick again: my stomach has been hurting constantly for a few days and its not responding to my meds. I guess I'll get to go through another round of liquid diets soon... and a loss of 20lbs... It's a real confidence booster to look in the mirror and find only vestiges of yourself, a fragment, a half-self. Emaciated.

"Got a stack of books,

So I could learn how to live;
Many are left half-read,
Covered by the cobwebs on my shelf.
And I got a list of laws,
Growing longer everyday;
If I keep pluggin' away,
Maybe one day I'll perfect myself.
Oh, but all of my labor,
Seems to be in vain;
And all of my laws,
Just cause me more pain;
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame;
Ready and willing to be changed-

Own me
Take all that I am,
And heal me
With the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me
With Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me

Oh, you call me Daughter,
And you take my blame;
And you run to meet me,
When I cry out Your name,
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame.
Lord, I am willing to be changed"

Forward motion: Progress

2008-03-25T14:52:00.003-04:00

Theory has ruined my life.

As per usual, the end of the semester is bringing much frustration and angst as paper due-dates stack up. I feel like I've done nothing but read and write for the past month, and another month of the same promises to follow. All I know to do it weather the storm: push through as best I can and pray for the summer sun to follow quickly.

But it's times like this that make me question my life and its direction (or perhaps lack thereof). Right now, the thought of doing five more years of school beyond my undergraduate makes me physically ill. Writing more papers, preparing presentations, and attending conferences all seem to be more work than I really want to pursue. I am aware of the benefits of completing a PhD, but part of me is looking for a change in the pace of my life. Something novel needs to happen... and who knows what that may mean.

So, In an effort to continue the never-ending pursuit of myself, I've decided the following:
1. I will become a non-practicing homosexual. This means that any relationship is out of the question. I'm officially on hiatus from any and all relationships with men (or women, for that matter).
2. I am removing myself from any and all social events as of today. I will not attend parties, nor will I participate in any on campus functions. I will be available by e-mail and phone; that's it.

This may seem like isolationism, but trust me, it needs to be done. I need to focus on school right now and getting myself through the program I've selected. Only then will I be ready to add the other things in life back in.

Fuck in counterpoint

2008-02-25T14:13:00.003-05:00

Finding yourself still wanting

Tu as raison, mon ami. Que puis-je dire encore? And what's more, I knew this from the start and should have heeded your warnings and advice. Que puis-je faire encore? Rien, maintenant. Exactement ça.

I'm finding it increasingly harder to think straight.

Forgive the pun.

Tu as peur d'être heureux? Me too. Imagine that.
I find vexing memories crowding my mind, and I can't seem to shake to feeling of loneliness. I can't take the invasion anymore! Comment survivre? The world keeps on turning... Tu sais les mots qui suivent.

How does it feel to find joy, pleasure, comfort, meaning in hurting?
It sucks, I know. I blew it; I fucked up, but must all be left in pieces? Qui l'a choisi?
Qui sait?

I invite Truth back in the room, and ask her to translate my message to you: I wish you well, though this will never be a goodbye.

You're never alone, jamais seul.

Je veux bien que tu pourrais encore parler à moi, rire avec moi. Quelle audace, non?

e e cummings

2008-02-03T22:37:00.001-05:00

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
-the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for each other: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis

"Everything is Illuminated" - Jonathan Safran Foer

2008-01-28T15:07:00.000-05:00

"I'm not going to lie and tell you that the future is full of promises. He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by feelings that nothing was right, or nothing was fulfilled, alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in the aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over. I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others - the only thing worse than being sad is others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room."

Queering the self? : Reclamation and Use of Queer

2008-01-14T13:18:00.000-05:00

Recent discussion in my LGBT Studies course has prompted much thinking on the use of the term "queer" and my personal identification. I have for the recent past identified as a gay man, largely because that is the political community to which I most strongly feel I belong. I am now finding, however, that my political beliefs are somewhat anti-assimilationist in nature and are overtly "queer" in nature, or at least fall under the paradigm of "queer politics".

But does the fact that many of my political values align with queerness mean that I should change my self identification as a gay man? What would this change mean to me, and how would it affect society's view of me as an extension of a community? I have been resistant to the term queer for several reasons: 1) identity politics are often difficult for me to conceive as something that is holistically personal and holistically political, and 2)The term queer still has vestiges of its pejorative meaning both for me personally and for society as a whole (or at least outside the academic community), and 3) I'm really struggling with associating myself with a community that can only be defined in the negative (or lack), as in a community that uses a lack of definition as its definition.

Allow me to comment on this last reservation. I believe, or perhaps I've just be been taught, that this lack of definition stems from the post-modernist de-centering of meanings and reality. Butler argues that Feminist movements are having trouble organizing themselves simply because there cannot exist and overarching and essentialist term that is "woman". Therefore, I believe that the term "queer" is an effort for people of marginalized sexual groups to provide a political face to a community while expressing the post-modernist decentralization of identity.

But I often wonder how useful this multiplicity of meaning is when it comes to identity politics and notions of selfhood. To allow for identity categories to be both constantly salient and constantly contestable sounds a bit like chaos to me. If a college student is in dire need of a self realization, but can't come to a sense of self simply because meanings of identity categories are constantly fluid, then how detrimental will her search for self be to her psyche? Will she ever be able to find "herself". And even if she is successful, then what's to say that her identity will not change tomorrow?

Now obviously identities change over time. What it means to be a women when one is ten years of age and what it means to be a married women with children at age 45 is holistically different. Identities are malleable and our societal scripts are edited as we negotiate our way through life. But to build a communal politics around identities that are never stable (and who would ever want them to be?) seems a bit dangerous to me. Moreover, I see using the blanket term of "queer" to mean gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, gender-queer, etc. as a faulty method of gaining political visibility. By using a blanket term to give a voice to the voiceless, you are removing the visibility of difference, which is what the whole movement was trying to give voice to in the first place.

Perhaps I'm still just a little too reserved on this issue. Today's class discussion has made me more open to the term, at least in an academic sense if not personally as well. My ideas of what it means to be "queer" are changing, and I'm hoping its for the better. Perhaps I need to reconceptualize my ideas of personal identity politics and what it means to me to be a gay man, or a member of the gay community. What privileges could I be unknowingly holding on to by my self-identification? Would identifying as queer demonstrate my want of a gender-inclusive movement that is not present within the gay community (since lesbians are so often left out)?

Look for more on this issue as the semester unfolds. :-)

No Country for Old Men, Cormac McCarthy

2008-01-11T13:59:00.001-05:00

"They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. I don't know what them eyes was the windows to and I guess I'd as soon not know. But there is another view of the world out there and other eyes to see it and that's where this is goin'. It has done brought me to a place in my life I would not of thought I'd come to. Somewhere out there is a true and living prophet of destruction and I don't want to confront him. I know he's real. I have seen his work. I walked in front of those eyes once. I won't do it again. I won't push my chips forward and stand up and go out to meet him. It ain't just bein' older. I wish that is was. I can't say that it's even what you are willin' to do. Because I always knew you had to be willin' to die to even do this job. That was always true. Not to sound glorious about it or nothin' but you do. If you ain't they'll know it. They'll see it in a heartbeat. I think it is more like what you are willin' to become. And I think a man would have to put his soul at hazard. And I won't do that. I think now that maybe I never would."

Take my hand and walk this road with me

2008-01-09T14:47:00.000-05:00

It's now the third day of class of this spring semester and I'm already feeling a bit behind. The weather outside is a perfect reflection of my mood: sunny and warm one moment; cold, rainy and bitter the next. I wish that both the weather and my emotions would pick one extreme and run with it.

Admittedly it has been nice to get back into the flow of things, and I'm enjoying most of my classes. I'm finally in a place in my program where I get to take classes that specifically interest me. What sucks, however, is how limited I am now by my classes and their reading schedule. I've read well over two hundred pages of Feminist and LGBT theory in the past three days and I can already feel myself becoming overwhelmed. Panic is beginning to set in and I don't know how to curtail my feelings of indifference. I read over my last post and love how strong I sound in it, how sure I was of things getting better and my plan to re-evaluate and improve myself.

How silly I was.

Reading my last post gives me strength and hope that I can actually accomplish what I've set out to do. But the strength and assurance that comes from the wording of that entry does not accurately reflect the reality of my mental, emotional and spiritual state. Though I may speak with authority and sound brash and bold, I'm as scared as ever on the inside. Though I'm making progress in certain areas, I'm just as lost as before.

What I'm realizing is that, by giving up my "half-self" state of being, I'm actually risking much of what I've built my life on. Lately I've been reading Simone de Beauvoir's The Second Sex for my Feminist Theory course. In this book Beauvoir describes how women have become the subordinated "Other" through social institution of oppression that value men and their needs over women. Men do not need a definition, since they are the reigning champions of society. Women are defined as anything not male: therefore they become inessential beings who's subjectness can only be defined in relation to the being who has no definition.

What's more, Beauvoir wittingly shows how women are in fact "happy" with their state of subordination. If women were to suddenly cast off their men and assume a life of their own, then they are risking the loss of comfort and protection of the current oppressive system. Beauvoir says, "This is an inauspicious road, for he who takes it -- passive, lost, ruined -- becomes henceforth the creature of another's will... But it is an easy road; on it one avoids the strain involved in undertaking an authentic existence" (introduction, p. XX).

By casting off my "half-self" and rupturing my relationship with the person I most relied on for the gratification of all my needs, I have risked, and indeed, lost most of what I knew as life. I no longer have a partner. I go to bed and wake up alone. In fact, I spend most of my free time alone now. My joint banking account is gone, and I have lost an entire circle of friends. Moreover, my working relationships have been strained, and the color guard I've worked to build with my ex-partner is on the verge of falling apart.

No wonder women have been -- and to a certain extent still are -- afraid to rupture with the current power systems of privilege and oppression. As Beauvoir says in her introduction, we must get out of this rut! Rather than avoid the terror of taking on an authentic existence, I have taken the hard and arduous road of breaking with the one thing that gave me comfort, hoping that I can move on as an individual who is completely happy with me and who I am. As was stated in my last post, I will find myself in my studies (it's already happening) and I will learn to love again, both myself and others. I'm learning how to love in the face of hatred and extreme pain. I'm learning how to correct my mistake and let people love me the best way they know how. I'm ready to move forward, and I hope the people around me are willing and able to take my hand and walk this road with me.

Wish me luck

2008-01-02T12:33:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling this urge to write something, to let all that's happened over that past few weeks flow into this keyboard, hoping it will all somehow, once transfered to print, make sense. This holiday has been unlike any other I've experienced, and I can honestly say I've experienced the entire gambit of emotions ranging from complete despair to happiness to complete indifference.

And what scares me the most is that I've seemed to have lost who and what I am. I've worked so hard over the past couple of years to carve out a new me, someone that is independent of the Andrew that was present in high school. I intended to leave that person in Murray along with all the memories of people that I no longer need or want in my life. I came to the University thinking that I could have a rebirth of sorts, rising up in my own ashes a newer and better person. And in many ways, I think I've done just that: I'm now independent, I'm open and unashamed of who I am, and I'm no longer afraid of what being me may mean for myself or for others.

But in the process of all this, of recreating myself, of becoming the new me I made a grave mistake. Rather than defining myself as someone who is an independent subject, I allowed myself to become someone who was defined in part by my relationship to another person. Andrew was no longer the complete subject, but rather a half-subject that cannot be split from its other. This co-subject state allowed for me to put my life on the fast track to something that I never intended it to be, and the realization of this co-subject state and my subsequent break with this situation has caused plenty of mayhem for all subjects involved.

Let me be the first to admit that I've made plenty of mistakes: I am ashamed, and I see now that I have much growing to do. At times it seemed to me that my misguided choices had so irrevocably damaged the people around me that it was not worth carrying on. I wanted it all to stop, and if that had meant my "subjectness" needed to end, then so be it.

But of course that cannot be the answer. If god, whoever s/he may be, had wanted it that way, there have been ample instances that should have gone differently. I'm still here for a reason. And now, in this time of picking up the pieces, of once again trying to make myself whole again, I see now that god is trying to humble me and is deliberately putting me in this crucible. And I will not be defiant any longer. Come what may, I will keep my subject clean and close to my heart. I will no longer hurt anyone, whatever that my entail, even to the point of complete solitude (though let's hope it won't come to that).

Moreover, I hope that, if anything good comes of this, that its a renewing of my faith in whatever higher powers exist. I'm hoping to attend mass more often, and who knows, perhaps I'll start redeveloping my thoughts on god.

If anything, I want this next semester to be a time of self purification. I will find myself in my studies: I'm shooting for my first 4.0 semester in over a year. I will find myself trying to learn how to love again: this encompasses both myself and others. Should someone chose to take on my broken spirit and help me through this process, then so be it. If not, then so be it. Regardless, I will not become a half-subject again; I will not so attach myself that I cannot function on my own.

Wish me luck.

Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story by Chuck Klosterman

2007-12-17T13:52:00.000-05:00

We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven't even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

Sex Trafficking

2007-12-03T12:15:00.000-05:00

The rise of sex slaves in America

NBC's Today recently did a piece on the Sex Slave industry, interviewing a 20 year old woman from Russia who was brought to the US under false pretenses and then forced to work as a stripper in a club.

This piece really exposed just how manipulative men can be. And while the piece paints these men as menacing and malevolent, I believe there is more to blame here than these men. The report shows how men were in fact more concerned with money than with the women. These women were forced to bring in a certain profit each day; they were brutally beaten and raped if they did not meet their quota. Moreover, each man was able to use these women for sex when ever he pleased.

So why didn't these women just leave? Fear. Plain fear. These men used violent force coupled with convincing stories to terrorize the women, keeping them fearfully in their place of abuse and marginalization.

So what's to blame? I believe that, once again, it is our concept of masculinity that is responsible for the actions of the men and the treatment of the women. This hyper-masculinity that views women as secondary sets up a power inequality, allowing for the men to exercise dominion over the women. Men in the sex trafficking industry use traditionally masculine tactics to keep their position of power: fear and physical force. Both of tactics reduce the women to objects, dehumanizing them completely. What's worse is that this formation of masculinity forms a vicious cycle that maintains the power structure. Hence why the women in the Today's story felt there was no way to escape.

Once again, I believe that society needs to revision masculinity. Profeminist organizations need to take up this issue to help make a redefined masculinity a social possibility. It is no longer enough to report these cases of sex trafficking. It is no longer acceptable to be passively sympathetic. It is time that we push for equality of the sexes but allowing men to reject hyper-masculinity as a self-definition. It's only when men can actually look at women as completely human beings that we will see an egalitarian world.

La faute?

2007-11-30T09:39:00.000-05:00

I'm a few days late on this one, but I read this morning that there has been another "national tragedy" in France involving a police officer and two young children. France has since been in upheaval, responding to judicial findings that the police were indeed not at fault for the deaths of the two children.

What's interesting here, more than the French love a good riot, is how this incident brings to the forefront all the social issues present in contemporary France. Immigrant peoples are flocking to France, setting up camp in the banlieues of larger cities and struggling to find work. France's unemployment rate is staggering: its destroying their economy while causing stress among the people.

This is not new. Look at the Revolution. France has a history of a wavering economy and the people have shown their violence. This incident is about more than two boys killed in an auto accident. This is about people who are economically oppressed, forced to live in unacceptable housing while working dead-end jobs that do not cover the cost of daily living. France's society needs to re-evaluate its structure and allow for full integration of immigrant peoples. This means that France must do away with it hierarchical elitism and learn to view all peoples as equal. This means that France must revision its policy on work while seeking to create new jobs that provide the opportunity to advance while paying enough to meet the needs of life.

The people of France have every right to be outraged. Perhaps no one is at fault in this specific incident, but the deaths of these children have become a national symbol of the mistreatment of the "other".

The writer within

2007-11-29T10:35:00.001-05:00

As finals approach, I've been amazing myself with my ability to beautifully organize complete bullshit into a decent paper. And sadly, most of my professors are happy, even surprised, by my bullshit. Which leads me to wonder: Is this what college, and by extension life, is really about? My (in)ability to organize shit into something that isn't superficially shit? If that's the goal of college, then I've succeeded.

But all of this writing is also causing me to questions my future. It seems like I just moved to Louisville, and I'm just now getting used to the city, but it's already time for me to be thinking about going to grad school. The GRE is next fall and I'll have to begin the application process in October. Not only does the immediacy of grad school scare me, but the fact that I have no idea what I want to do horrifies me.

I know that writing is going to be a huge part of my future - but in what way? Do I want a PhD in English? Gender Studies? Something that combines both areas? Or would I like to be a critic? Someone who works heavily with literary theory?

And then there's a small part of me that wants to just quit and get a job now. Do I really want to continue with school when the job market for teachers is already so saturated? Do I really have what it takes? Moreover, what would a man be doing in Gender Studies? I'm afraid that I would become the epitome of the "glass escalator" in that field. Because I'm a male feminist, I would be pushed further in the field - and I'm not entirely comfortable with that.

So many things to think about.

Fleeting vestiges

2007-11-19T11:22:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been reading a lot more for pleasure. The semester is winding down and I finally have the time to pick up some of the long forgotten books that have littered my bookshelf since last year. And fortunately, a couple of friends of mine have lovingly made a few additions to the list. Unfortunately, however, this has caused me to read in small spurts, picking up this book only to be come bored enough to pick up another one. I guess I've lost some of my attention span that I worked so hard to cultivate in high school. And since I'm constantly connected to the internet here at school, I've been more involved in the blog world, reading what all my friends can write - which usually ends in a bit on envy...

By far the most fascinating reading of done this past week was reading the memoirs of Virginia Wolf. Her prose is enveloping and leaves you with a sense of wholeness that I cannot explain. Most notably I love how she proceeds to describe the people of her memories. For her, you can never truly describe a person as they were; it is not possible to create a photograph of words that can accurately capture a person for one moment. Rather the author of the memory is only able to provide an acute approximation, a description of an outer shell, a fleeting vestige of the person that once was. This poignantly gestures to the persons wholeness and humanity while providing a sense of nostalgia for the person as they were present in the memory. Wolf notes too how the nostalgia can cause romanticized versions memories to replace the actual/factual ones.

I guess I rather like this view since I have been thinking of my father a lot lately. I have some very fond memories of him, and yet I feel like I fail in accurately telling someone about him each time he is brought into conversation. I miss him much more than I thought I would; I thought I would be okay, yet his death has left a hole in my being that I cannot quite explain and that I think will never fully mend. And I guess in a way, I think back on my relationship with my father with regret. I wish that I had been more forward with him from the beginning. When I came out to my family, he was the accepting one, he was the one that loved me without reserve. Why was he taken from me so soon after? There are so many things I wish I could have said, so many things that I wish I could have done: but I can't.

Memories are all that I have left. And with each passing day, those are becoming more obtuse, distant and fuzzy. They are something that I can no longer control, form, and recall at will, but rather dizzying images that seem to come from nowhere, causing moments of an intense sense of loss.

I miss him.

Prehistoric Fassion?

2007-11-13T09:40:00.001-05:00

I may be developing a proclivity towards reading MSNBC.com, but I was intrigued by and article published today that announced that prehistoric women had a passion for fashion. All assonance aside, I believe that this article is anything but believable.

The author writes that " 'According to the figurines we found, young women were beautifully dressed, like today's girls in short tops and mini skirts, and wore bracelets around their arms," said archaeologist Julka Kuzmanovic-Cvetkovic.' Fallacy number one: both the author and the archaeologist just evaluated a past culture based on our contemporary ideas of what culture is.

Moreover, this article disturbs me because it seems to give a prehistoric notion that women were indeed meant to care about fashion. And interestingly the author quips that this culture was "[a] community was especially fond of children. Artifacts include toys such as animals and rattles of clay, and small, clumsily crafted pots apparently made by children at playtime." Again, women are characterized as having always already been mothers, which serves as another justification of sexism today.

This article serves only to perpetuate sexist notions of the feminine and tells us nothing of value about this past culture. I would argue that both the author and the archaeologist need to ask different questions about their work while being wary of sexist ideology within in their own interpretations. What power structures were present that called for these women to wear such clothing? Why are they pictured as mothers? Why would mothering be relevant to fashion?

Perhaps I need to rethink from where I get my news. Or if anything, I'll continue to write about these articles that are continuing to marginalize women.

Article can be found here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21758213/

A reluctant reaper

2007-11-11T23:09:00.000-05:00

In a recent article on MSNBC.com, it was reported that the national average of executions has gone down over the past few decades. The report notes that even the numbers in Texas, a long-time record holder for executions - killing sometimes more than one inmate in a week - is on the decline. So why are these number falling? Why is our judicial system sentencing fewer criminals to execution?

MSNBC.com says that the falling numbers of execution is part of a historical trend - "What is acceptable in theory seems less and less tolerable in practice." Here we see that what is mandated is often not in line with the reality of death. Moreover, I believe there is much more to this than the executioners suddenly developing a weak stomach.

The masculinity of death is faultering. In fact, you might go as far as to say that some executioners are being feminized. Beware, emotions are running rampant in the courtroom! How could we as men be emotional about the condemned? How could we care a criminal's life when he as done such terrible things?! This hyper-masculinity that has for along as we can remember prided itself on its ability to be impartial and unemotional is no longer holding under the realities of death. The executioners are seeing just how brutal, how gruesome death really is.

And as emotions are seen as feminie, judges and executioners alike are seen as soft and losing touch with their job. Bullshit. Emotions are not feminie, but rather have been characterized as such. Forget it! Lose your stone-faced attitude and look into the face of reality! Death is not pretty - nor should it ever be reduced to a number on a page. Once again, I say we need a revisioning of masculinty that allows for men to be emotional, that allows emotions to help in the decisions we make.

I applaud these men in our courtrooms that are choosing to let their emotions guide their rulings, and for looking at death as a reality, not a distant objectivity.

A Time To Kill?

2007-11-06T10:33:00.000-05:00

I just read on MSNBC.com that 2007 is the deadliest year for American's fighting in Iraq. As out news media continues to print these staggering figures, printing more and more death tolls each day, I wonder how it is possible for us to continue to "stay the course". Is there not a certain point at which you decide that it is no longer worth fighting, that the loss of life does not justify the desired outcome?

Maybe I'm losing my identity as a man here, but let's stop and think about what's going on here. Those numbers reported are numerical vestiges of someone's life. A real human being. Shot, killed. Numbers are simply a method of being objective about death and do not accurately represent what death on the battlefield is like. Let's take out the numbers; let's put some emotion back into this thing call war and death. That person had a family who will miss him terribly. She had a life, one that will no longer exist. I don't doubt that fighting for one's country and dying for one's country is a high honour, but there comes a time where common sense must rule.

We need to call attention to the individuals fighting this war. I recently watched a television broadcast of a memorial ceremony for the Iraq war. Each individual name of killed American was read aloud. This is a start, but not enough. We need something that will give all of us back home a loud wake up call. This war is not something that we can hide in numbers on a page, but rather something that we should measure by the individual.

Then, I believe, we will realize that this war is not worth fighting. That staying the course is a bull-headed ploy and that we need not just a new direction in Iraq, but a full removal from Iraq. The damage done is, at least for the time being, irreparable.

Think of your daughter blown to bits, body parts scattered across a field. Then ask yourself when it's time to pull out of this war.

Several other figures of speech

2007-08-22T09:34:00.000-04:00

Since its commencement on Monday, school has been my life. I've chosen to take - I have nothing else to take - several English and Women and Gender Studies courses this semester. Since Monday evening, my nose has been deeply buried in a book of some sort, and I'm sure that I have read the words "gender", "inequality", "sex", and other various terms more than I could have ever wanted.

This is only day three.

While I'm excited by my classes and their subject matter, I'm apprehensive when I think of the course load. This will be by far the most difficult, but potentially the most rewarding semester I've had thus far at UofL. For once I'm actually going to be challenged academically while testing just how well I'm able to juggle all of my calendar pieces. But this challenge hold a high risk: my GPA cannot lower. Once again my perfectionism reigns. Anything less than A's is not acceptable to me. Not only will I feel like I somehow did not apply myself enough, but I could potentially lose my scholarships if I fall below a 3.5 GPA for the semester. I can't afford to lose anything right now - my scholarships are keeping me afloat.

I guess it's time for me to buckle down and bite the bullet and several other figures of speech.

And Our Faces, My Heart, Brief As Photos by John Berger

2007-08-08T11:23:00.001-04:00

According to whether we are in the same place or separated one from the other, I know you twice. There are two of you.

When you are away, you are nevertheless present for me. This presence is multiform: it consists of countless images, passages, meanings, things known, landmarks, yet the whole remains marked by your absence, in that it is diffuse. It is as if your person becomes a place, your contours horizons. I live in you then like living in a country. You are everywhere. Yet in that country I can never meet you face to face.

Partir est mourir un peu. I was very young when I first heard this sentence quoted and it expressed a truth I already knew. I remember it now because the experience of living in you as if you were a country, the only country in the world where I can never conceivably meet you face to face, this is a little like the experience of living with the memory of the dead. What I did not know when I was very young was that nothing can take the past away: the past grows gradually around one, like a placenta for dying.

In the country which is you I know your gestures, the intonations of your voice, the shape of every part of your body. You are not physically less real there, but you are less free.

What changes when you are there before my eyes is that you become unpredictable. What you are about to do is unknown to me. I follow you. You act. And with what you do, I fall in love again.

Oscar Wilde, The Disciple

2007-08-02T16:13:00.001-04:00

When Narcissus died the pool of his pleasure changed from a cup of sweet waters into a cup of salt tears, and the Oreads came weeping through the woodland that they might sing to the pool and give it comfort.

And when they saw that the pool had changed from a cup of sweet waters into a cup of salt tears, they loosened the green tresses of their hair and cried to the pool and said, 'We do not wonder that you should mourn in this manner for Narcissus, so beautiful was he.'

'But was Narcissus beautiful?' said the pool.

'Who should know that better than you?' answered the Oreads. 'Us did he ever pass by, but you he sought for, and would lie on your banks and look down at you, and in the mirror of your waters he would mirror his own beauty.'

And the pool answered, 'But I loved Narcissus because, as he lay on my banks and looked down at me, in the mirror of his eyes I saw ever my own beauty mirrored.'

Restless

2007-07-30T13:27:00.001-04:00

As the summer is quickly coming to a close, I guess I could update this thing one last time.

I'm really not too sure how I feel right now. I'm no longer upset, lonely, confused, but rather indifferent about everything. I've been existing and nothing more - and I don't know if that should bother me more than feeling as I did for the past few months. Should it? Where has my passion for life gone? I'm hoping that it will return with the beginning of classes - once I get back into a routine. The summers are so lazy and seem to have no goal, no point, no purpose. And to that extent I find no comfort in them. Instead of finding rest I feel restless, trapped, nervous. Perhaps I'll take summer classes next year to help assuage my longing for structure.

Band, in one form or another, is slowly chipping away at my time. I've been a happier person since the beginning of band season. The guard is doing well and I predict that we will have a decent season - the guard at least. The band has a LONG way to go. These kids need to learn what intonation is... And how to play loud with a nice, supported and IN TUNE sound. But then again, I'm not on staff for the band, so I'll stick to the guard.

In addition to Corydon, DCI has been taking up some time. DCI Indy was this past weekend. I was nice to see the corps finally perform all of their shows. Phantom has the best horn line I've ever heard... What I would give to have that dark, rich sound... The Cavies guard was amazing, as per usual - though I could be a bit biased. I'll be traveling soon out to California to see DCI World Finals in Pasadena. I can't wait! I've never been that far west, nor have I ever seen the Pacific Ocean. Joyce and I have decided to spend at least one evening at Venice Beach, and I'm sure Charles will beg to go there before we leave.

One thing that hasn't occupied as much time as I wish is reading. I've done almost no reading this summer. I was hoping to have read at least four novels and a number of non-fiction articles this summer, but alas... I was lazy. I'm working on the new Harry Potter book, though I'm feeling a serious lack of motivation to read it. Perhaps on the plane to CA I'll finish it. I need to finish Angels in America before the start of the semester, as I'm sure it will play into several of the classes I'm taking this fall.

I guess this is it for now. I hope to update on a more regular basis now... The whole routine thing again...
-A

Function Lust

2007-07-05T05:37:00.000-04:00

A few years back I received an album from my horn professor entitled "Function Lust." I've always been slightly put off by the title, know full well the implications of the word "lust." Yet now as I grow older, I think I'm beginning to understand that part of the human soul that the horn player was trying to explore, that pure joy that comes from performing an action, over and over again, perfecting one's execution with each repetition.

This Function Lust becomes and all-consuming passion. We've all experienced it - you might have loved to play basketball or create something from paper and glue. But what about those obsessions that last into adulthood? These actions as object are what is meant by Function Lust. And as adults, we can let the action replace what was once gained from performing the action, that is we lose sight of the action's original purpose.

In most cases, this Function Lust began as something that helped us escape the quotidian, the mundane. And perhaps this activity was supposed to enrich us and those around us. But when is it that one crosses the line from helpful and health activity into Function Lust? It is my belief that the line of Function Lust is crossed when one neglects either themselves or the people around them, or both.

This is what I'm afraid I see in some people close to me. And once healthy activity quickly transforming into Function Lust. And it breaks my heart that one day they will be faced with the decision feeding their Function Lust, or keeping the ones they love. To me it is obvious what one should choose - people should always win over objects, but sadly Function Lust can become so powerful that many of the people who suffer from it will be blinded and choose to continue their passion, rather than continue to love the people that should mean the most to them.

This is simply an obersvation: nothing more. I wish I knew how to correct this issue, knowing that even talking about an affected person will more than likely result in feelings of contempt... May both our mind and our spirit within us dwell as one, making one music as before...

But vaster...

How much longer?

2007-06-28T14:23:00.000-04:00

I'm quickly realizing that this summer - at least thus far - has been a gigantic waste of my time. Outside of working, I've really done nothing that I deem worthy of anything close to a good memory. Perhaps it's because I'm working too much. And believe it or not, I'm completely broke. So my busy schedule coupled with my limited funds has caused this summer to be a bust. A joke. And what's worse, fall semester is coming soon and I'm going to feel like I've had not time to recover from last semester, setting myself up for yet another disappointing year academically.

*Perfectionist*

Life just seems to be a constant battle right now - a battle to stay on track and reach for the goal ahead. When I get depressed like this, I keep reminding myself that things will be better in August. Once Charles is back from touring God knows where, and once UofL pays me, then things will be better.

But will they?

I would like to believe that money and having the love of my life back will solve everything, but I doubt that it will. I foresee perhaps one week of bliss before its all ruined with classes, tests, and papers galore. And no matter how much I wish to believe that I can hold down three jobs while balancing Charles and school, I know that it simply cannot be done; not without sacrificing myself physically and academically. Something has to give.

So let's get my priorities straight:
1) School - I MUST complete whatever I've started here, regardless of how pointless it may feel now. No BA = no life. Period.

2) Charles - I have to remember that I'm no longer planning just for myself now, but for my partner as well. Our shared future must be in the front of my mind, meaning that I must plan my academic future - no matter how meager - around him. And, ultimately, a relationship cannot happen without time. I know that he and I will be living together, but doesn't mean that I can let up on making time for him. And I hope that he will feel the same way. In light of this time issue, I'm going to have to give up the hotel job - just to keep myself sane. We work together, we go to school together, we share the same room at home, but we still need time to ourselves: away from school, guard, etc. I've always said that I'm very protective of what's mine: this is something that I don't want to lose.

3) Guard - I've come to love the guard at Corydon. Yes, I have many headaches and sleepless nights, but I love working with the kids. It is by far the most fulfilling job I've ever had. Many people have advised me to give up this job - the pay is low and I have to actually pay to be at competitions/rehearsals, etc... But to me, it's all worth it. The kids are what make it worth it. They all love to see me and I love teaching them, not only about guard, but about themselves and what they can expect out of life. I wish now that I had had a teacher like this in my life back in highschool. I want to provide them with someone that is close to them in age and understands their unique positioning in life. Many of them have come and talked to me about things over the past year, and I'm both honored and humbled that they trust me enough to talk to me, that they see me as more than just their guard director.

So perhaps this summer will get better in the next few weeks. I'm going to try to treat guard and band camps as my vacation from work here in Louisville, and perhaps that will put me in a better mood. This may be some misdirected emotions that are coming through now... though I can't say exactly what those may be. I now I miss Charlie terribly, and that I would love for him to be home. I also feel very unsecured with my finances in such bad shape. I guess I'm just looking for a little assurance that things will be okay come August - that money will come in and that Charles and I will be able to pick up right were we left off.

How much longer must I wait for the assurance that is due me?

An obscenely large pool of drool.

2007-02-22T15:25:00.000-05:00

I'm beginning to find my English classes to be a bore. I feel as if nothing is actually accomplished. Nothing. As the professor tries to direct the conversation, the majority of the class is sleeping in an obscenely large pool of drool. They don't get it.

It seems to me that people don't think anymore and will do anything to avoid even the thought of meaningful thought. I am awe-struck by my fellow students' ability to read something and have absolutely no reaction, flat line, dead in the water. Or, as it have been pointed out to me, they could simply not be "engaged" by the class discussion. However, it seems to me that the themes present in these novels (race, class, sexuality, gender, sociology, etc.) are pretty universal and should evoke some form of reaction, no matter how minuscule.

This inability to think clearing for one's self, the inability to put all the pieces together comes from our fat-assed society. Our minds are constantly assaulted with this barrage of images (news, media, entertainment, etc.) that really doesn't matter. As a result, we are so accustomed to having all things spoon-fed to us that it is impossible for us, as a society, to do anything of meaning for ourselves. We are simply too lazy. Any form of mental work, any actual, meaningful, and engaging thought is scoffed at. We'd rather sit on our fat asses and stuff out ever-growing holes with potato-chips, wiping our greasy fingers on the seat beneath us.

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being one of the few in class with anything even close to a critical question. What has happened to thought, and, by extension, to our society? It truly bothers me that some people are unable/unwilling to address certain critical issues of our times, even while in the safe and controlled environment of a classroom. And is there and answer to this? Not one that I can clearly see. Perhaps you have one... oh... wait. That would require thought.

Nevermind.

Wo(men)? Looking at the "Undefined"

2007-02-15T15:49:00.000-05:00

Imagine you're walking down a busy street. Amongst the traffic and noise, people quickly pass you left and right. On your way to your destination, you look askance at these people - that boy has short, brown hair and that girl has long, blond hair and sports a fashionable mini-skirt. You think nothing of it: This is normal. This is what you're supposed to see. Yet what if the table was turned? What if that boy wearing baggy jeans and sporting a short crew cut had a high-pitched voice and small breasts? And what if that girl you saw wearing the skirt had a pronounced jaw line and high cheek bones? You'd think you had stepped into the twilight zone!

Now more than ever gender roles are being blurred. And many researchers and theorists are claiming that gender is performative, that one simply performs the gender role that society has set out for male or female. And, if gender is truly a performance, then it is implied that one can choose at will what gender role to play. This creates a new fluidity in society that is shocking to most of it's "normal" members and creates a space for "in-betweens" in a society that prides itself on a strict dichotomy system: black/white, male/female, etc.

But is gender really performative? And for that matter how does one define gender? It is simply what ever sex one is at birth - you have a penis, therefore you are male; and you have a vagina, therefore you are female? Or is there more to it than simple biology? Society obviously impacts the definition and execution of gender roles. From time immemorial men have been the hunter/gather of society and have carried the burden of providing for the family. Women, on the other hand, generally reared children and were subordinate to their male counterparts. It's here that the gender precedent was set. Society has imposed certain actions as acceptable for members of one "physical" sex and not acceptable for the other. In short, societal premise has attached abstract meaning to the physical body.

So how have we gone from a society that sets a very fixed definition of gender to one that moving more and more to ambiguity? In a culture that seeks a nicely packaged definition of identity, younger sub-cultures are seeking to live outside of the rigid lines of society, favouring an "undefined" existence and - taken to the extreme - an undefined identity. These "undefined" choose to live outside social premise, rejecting the boundaries imposed by molding one's self to fit a pre-packaged definition. Instead they claim the liberty to move in and out of social spaces at will and thereby giving themselves a carte blanche to all sides of gendered society.

So what? How do these multi-gendered people affect society? As they carve out their own space of non-conformity, they challenge the rest of society to redefine how they conceive gender and its function in society. So the next time you see that boy walking down the street, don't assume it's a boy. Rather challenge yourself to look beyond societal premise and allow that person to be "undefined."

2007-02-09T12:37:00.000-05:00

Comment est-ce qu'on peut se définir? Cela c'est une question qui n'a aucune réponse claire. La définition est différente de l'un à l'autre. Comment est-ce que je peux me définir? Je suis un homme, un jeune, un homosexuel, un frère, etc... Mais comment est-ce que cela me définissent? À mon avis, c'est une question de sociologie - comment les autres personnes me regardent. Et, enfin, ce que je pense de leurs avis. Pourquoi est-ce que je fais ceci ou cela? Pourquoi est-ce que je parle tantôt comme un homme, et tantôt comme une femme? Qu'est-ce qui change? Et comment est-ce que tout le monde me voit dans chaque situation?