Take my hand and walk this road with me

It's now the third day of class of this spring semester and I'm already feeling a bit behind. The weather outside is a perfect reflection of my mood: sunny and warm one moment; cold, rainy and bitter the next. I wish that both the weather and my emotions would pick one extreme and run with it.

Admittedly it has been nice to get back into the flow of things, and I'm enjoying most of my classes. I'm finally in a place in my program where I get to take classes that specifically interest me. What sucks, however, is how limited I am now by my classes and their reading schedule. I've read well over two hundred pages of Feminist and LGBT theory in the past three days and I can already feel myself becoming overwhelmed. Panic is beginning to set in and I don't know how to curtail my feelings of indifference. I read over my last post and love how strong I sound in it, how sure I was of things getting better and my plan to re-evaluate and improve myself.

How silly I was.

Reading my last post gives me strength and hope that I can actually accomplish what I've set out to do. But the strength and assurance that comes from the wording of that entry does not accurately reflect the reality of my mental, emotional and spiritual state. Though I may speak with authority and sound brash and bold, I'm as scared as ever on the inside. Though I'm making progress in certain areas, I'm just as lost as before.

What I'm realizing is that, by giving up my "half-self" state of being, I'm actually risking much of what I've built my life on. Lately I've been reading Simone de Beauvoir's The Second Sex for my Feminist Theory course. In this book Beauvoir describes how women have become the subordinated "Other" through social institution of oppression that value men and their needs over women. Men do not need a definition, since they are the reigning champions of society. Women are defined as anything not male: therefore they become inessential beings who's subjectness can only be defined in relation to the being who has no definition.

What's more, Beauvoir wittingly shows how women are in fact "happy" with their state of subordination. If women were to suddenly cast off their men and assume a life of their own, then they are risking the loss of comfort and protection of the current oppressive system. Beauvoir says, "This is an inauspicious road, for he who takes it -- passive, lost, ruined -- becomes henceforth the creature of another's will... But it is an easy road; on it one avoids the strain involved in undertaking an authentic existence" (introduction, p. XX).

By casting off my "half-self" and rupturing my relationship with the person I most relied on for the gratification of all my needs, I have risked, and indeed, lost most of what I knew as life. I no longer have a partner. I go to bed and wake up alone. In fact, I spend most of my free time alone now. My joint banking account is gone, and I have lost an entire circle of friends. Moreover, my working relationships have been strained, and the color guard I've worked to build with my ex-partner is on the verge of falling apart.

No wonder women have been -- and to a certain extent still are -- afraid to rupture with the current power systems of privilege and oppression. As Beauvoir says in her introduction, we must get out of this rut! Rather than avoid the terror of taking on an authentic existence, I have taken the hard and arduous road of breaking with the one thing that gave me comfort, hoping that I can move on as an individual who is completely happy with me and who I am. As was stated in my last post, I will find myself in my studies (it's already happening) and I will learn to love again, both myself and others. I'm learning how to love in the face of hatred and extreme pain. I'm learning how to correct my mistake and let people love me the best way they know how. I'm ready to move forward, and I hope the people around me are willing and able to take my hand and walk this road with me.

Wish me luck

I'm feeling this urge to write something, to let all that's happened over that past few weeks flow into this keyboard, hoping it will all somehow, once transfered to print, make sense. This holiday has been unlike any other I've experienced, and I can honestly say I've experienced the entire gambit of emotions ranging from complete despair to happiness to complete indifference.

And what scares me the most is that I've seemed to have lost who and what I am. I've worked so hard over the past couple of years to carve out a new me, someone that is independent of the Andrew that was present in high school. I intended to leave that person in Murray along with all the memories of people that I no longer need or want in my life. I came to the University thinking that I could have a rebirth of sorts, rising up in my own ashes a newer and better person. And in many ways, I think I've done just that: I'm now independent, I'm open and unashamed of who I am, and I'm no longer afraid of what being me may mean for myself or for others.

But in the process of all this, of recreating myself, of becoming the new me I made a grave mistake. Rather than defining myself as someone who is an independent subject, I allowed myself to become someone who was defined in part by my relationship to another person. Andrew was no longer the complete subject, but rather a half-subject that cannot be split from its other. This co-subject state allowed for me to put my life on the fast track to something that I never intended it to be, and the realization of this co-subject state and my subsequent break with this situation has caused plenty of mayhem for all subjects involved.

Let me be the first to admit that I've made plenty of mistakes: I am ashamed, and I see now that I have much growing to do. At times it seemed to me that my misguided choices had so irrevocably damaged the people around me that it was not worth carrying on. I wanted it all to stop, and if that had meant my "subjectness" needed to end, then so be it.

But of course that cannot be the answer. If god, whoever s/he may be, had wanted it that way, there have been ample instances that should have gone differently. I'm still here for a reason. And now, in this time of picking up the pieces, of once again trying to make myself whole again, I see now that god is trying to humble me and is deliberately putting me in this crucible. And I will not be defiant any longer. Come what may, I will keep my subject clean and close to my heart. I will no longer hurt anyone, whatever that my entail, even to the point of complete solitude (though let's hope it won't come to that).

Moreover, I hope that, if anything good comes of this, that its a renewing of my faith in whatever higher powers exist. I'm hoping to attend mass more often, and who knows, perhaps I'll start redeveloping my thoughts on god.

If anything, I want this next semester to be a time of self purification. I will find myself in my studies: I'm shooting for my first 4.0 semester in over a year. I will find myself trying to learn how to love again: this encompasses both myself and others. Should someone chose to take on my broken spirit and help me through this process, then so be it. If not, then so be it. Regardless, I will not become a half-subject again; I will not so attach myself that I cannot function on my own.

Wish me luck.

Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story by Chuck Klosterman

We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven't even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

Sex Trafficking

The rise of sex slaves in America

NBC's Today recently did a piece on the Sex Slave industry, interviewing a 20 year old woman from Russia who was brought to the US under false pretenses and then forced to work as a stripper in a club.

This piece really exposed just how manipulative men can be. And while the piece paints these men as menacing and malevolent, I believe there is more to blame here than these men. The report shows how men were in fact more concerned with money than with the women. These women were forced to bring in a certain profit each day; they were brutally beaten and raped if they did not meet their quota. Moreover, each man was able to use these women for sex when ever he pleased.

So why didn't these women just leave? Fear. Plain fear. These men used violent force coupled with convincing stories to terrorize the women, keeping them fearfully in their place of abuse and marginalization.

So what's to blame? I believe that, once again, it is our concept of masculinity that is responsible for the actions of the men and the treatment of the women. This hyper-masculinity that views women as secondary sets up a power inequality, allowing for the men to exercise dominion over the women. Men in the sex trafficking industry use traditionally masculine tactics to keep their position of power: fear and physical force. Both of tactics reduce the women to objects, dehumanizing them completely. What's worse is that this formation of masculinity forms a vicious cycle that maintains the power structure. Hence why the women in the Today's story felt there was no way to escape.

Once again, I believe that society needs to revision masculinity. Profeminist organizations need to take up this issue to help make a redefined masculinity a social possibility. It is no longer enough to report these cases of sex trafficking. It is no longer acceptable to be passively sympathetic. It is time that we push for equality of the sexes but allowing men to reject hyper-masculinity as a self-definition. It's only when men can actually look at women as completely human beings that we will see an egalitarian world.

La faute?

I'm a few days late on this one, but I read this morning that there has been another "national tragedy" in France involving a police officer and two young children. France has since been in upheaval, responding to judicial findings that the police were indeed not at fault for the deaths of the two children.

What's interesting here, more than the French love a good riot, is how this incident brings to the forefront all the social issues present in contemporary France. Immigrant peoples are flocking to France, setting up camp in the banlieues of larger cities and struggling to find work. France's unemployment rate is staggering: its destroying their economy while causing stress among the people.

This is not new. Look at the Revolution. France has a history of a wavering economy and the people have shown their violence. This incident is about more than two boys killed in an auto accident. This is about people who are economically oppressed, forced to live in unacceptable housing while working dead-end jobs that do not cover the cost of daily living. France's society needs to re-evaluate its structure and allow for full integration of immigrant peoples. This means that France must do away with it hierarchical elitism and learn to view all peoples as equal. This means that France must revision its policy on work while seeking to create new jobs that provide the opportunity to advance while paying enough to meet the needs of life.

The people of France have every right to be outraged. Perhaps no one is at fault in this specific incident, but the deaths of these children have become a national symbol of the mistreatment of the "other".

The writer within

As finals approach, I've been amazing myself with my ability to beautifully organize complete bullshit into a decent paper. And sadly, most of my professors are happy, even surprised, by my bullshit. Which leads me to wonder: Is this what college, and by extension life, is really about? My (in)ability to organize shit into something that isn't superficially shit? If that's the goal of college, then I've succeeded.

But all of this writing is also causing me to questions my future. It seems like I just moved to Louisville, and I'm just now getting used to the city, but it's already time for me to be thinking about going to grad school. The GRE is next fall and I'll have to begin the application process in October. Not only does the immediacy of grad school scare me, but the fact that I have no idea what I want to do horrifies me.

I know that writing is going to be a huge part of my future - but in what way? Do I want a PhD in English? Gender Studies? Something that combines both areas? Or would I like to be a critic? Someone who works heavily with literary theory?

And then there's a small part of me that wants to just quit and get a job now. Do I really want to continue with school when the job market for teachers is already so saturated? Do I really have what it takes? Moreover, what would a man be doing in Gender Studies? I'm afraid that I would become the epitome of the "glass escalator" in that field. Because I'm a male feminist, I would be pushed further in the field - and I'm not entirely comfortable with that.

So many things to think about.

Fleeting vestiges

Lately I've been reading a lot more for pleasure. The semester is winding down and I finally have the time to pick up some of the long forgotten books that have littered my bookshelf since last year. And fortunately, a couple of friends of mine have lovingly made a few additions to the list. Unfortunately, however, this has caused me to read in small spurts, picking up this book only to be come bored enough to pick up another one. I guess I've lost some of my attention span that I worked so hard to cultivate in high school. And since I'm constantly connected to the internet here at school, I've been more involved in the blog world, reading what all my friends can write - which usually ends in a bit on envy...

By far the most fascinating reading of done this past week was reading the memoirs of Virginia Wolf. Her prose is enveloping and leaves you with a sense of wholeness that I cannot explain. Most notably I love how she proceeds to describe the people of her memories. For her, you can never truly describe a person as they were; it is not possible to create a photograph of words that can accurately capture a person for one moment. Rather the author of the memory is only able to provide an acute approximation, a description of an outer shell, a fleeting vestige of the person that once was. This poignantly gestures to the persons wholeness and humanity while providing a sense of nostalgia for the person as they were present in the memory. Wolf notes too how the nostalgia can cause romanticized versions memories to replace the actual/factual ones.

I guess I rather like this view since I have been thinking of my father a lot lately. I have some very fond memories of him, and yet I feel like I fail in accurately telling someone about him each time he is brought into conversation. I miss him much more than I thought I would; I thought I would be okay, yet his death has left a hole in my being that I cannot quite explain and that I think will never fully mend. And I guess in a way, I think back on my relationship with my father with regret. I wish that I had been more forward with him from the beginning. When I came out to my family, he was the accepting one, he was the one that loved me without reserve. Why was he taken from me so soon after? There are so many things I wish I could have said, so many things that I wish I could have done: but I can't.

Memories are all that I have left. And with each passing day, those are becoming more obtuse, distant and fuzzy. They are something that I can no longer control, form, and recall at will, but rather dizzying images that seem to come from nowhere, causing moments of an intense sense of loss.

I miss him.

Prehistoric Fassion?

I may be developing a proclivity towards reading MSNBC.com, but I was intrigued by and article published today that announced that prehistoric women had a passion for fashion. All assonance aside, I believe that this article is anything but believable.

The author writes that " 'According to the figurines we found, young women were beautifully dressed, like today's girls in short tops and mini skirts, and wore bracelets around their arms," said archaeologist Julka Kuzmanovic-Cvetkovic.' Fallacy number one: both the author and the archaeologist just evaluated a past culture based on our contemporary ideas of what culture is.

Moreover, this article disturbs me because it seems to give a prehistoric notion that women were indeed meant to care about fashion. And interestingly the author quips that this culture was "[a] community was especially fond of children. Artifacts include toys such as animals and rattles of clay, and small, clumsily crafted pots apparently made by children at playtime." Again, women are characterized as having always already been mothers, which serves as another justification of sexism today.

This article serves only to perpetuate sexist notions of the feminine and tells us nothing of value about this past culture. I would argue that both the author and the archaeologist need to ask different questions about their work while being wary of sexist ideology within in their own interpretations. What power structures were present that called for these women to wear such clothing? Why are they pictured as mothers? Why would mothering be relevant to fashion?

Perhaps I need to rethink from where I get my news. Or if anything, I'll continue to write about these articles that are continuing to marginalize women.

Article can be found here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21758213/

A reluctant reaper

In a recent article on MSNBC.com, it was reported that the national average of executions has gone down over the past few decades. The report notes that even the numbers in Texas, a long-time record holder for executions - killing sometimes more than one inmate in a week - is on the decline. So why are these number falling? Why is our judicial system sentencing fewer criminals to execution?

MSNBC.com says that the falling numbers of execution is part of a historical trend - "What is acceptable in theory seems less and less tolerable in practice." Here we see that what is mandated is often not in line with the reality of death. Moreover, I believe there is much more to this than the executioners suddenly developing a weak stomach.

The masculinity of death is faultering. In fact, you might go as far as to say that some executioners are being feminized. Beware, emotions are running rampant in the courtroom! How could we as men be emotional about the condemned? How could we care a criminal's life when he as done such terrible things?! This hyper-masculinity that has for along as we can remember prided itself on its ability to be impartial and unemotional is no longer holding under the realities of death. The executioners are seeing just how brutal, how gruesome death really is.

And as emotions are seen as feminie, judges and executioners alike are seen as soft and losing touch with their job. Bullshit. Emotions are not feminie, but rather have been characterized as such. Forget it! Lose your stone-faced attitude and look into the face of reality! Death is not pretty - nor should it ever be reduced to a number on a page. Once again, I say we need a revisioning of masculinty that allows for men to be emotional, that allows emotions to help in the decisions we make.

I applaud these men in our courtrooms that are choosing to let their emotions guide their rulings, and for looking at death as a reality, not a distant objectivity.

A Time To Kill?

I just read on MSNBC.com that 2007 is the deadliest year for American's fighting in Iraq. As out news media continues to print these staggering figures, printing more and more death tolls each day, I wonder how it is possible for us to continue to "stay the course". Is there not a certain point at which you decide that it is no longer worth fighting, that the loss of life does not justify the desired outcome?

Maybe I'm losing my identity as a man here, but let's stop and think about what's going on here. Those numbers reported are numerical vestiges of someone's life. A real human being. Shot, killed. Numbers are simply a method of being objective about death and do not accurately represent what death on the battlefield is like. Let's take out the numbers; let's put some emotion back into this thing call war and death. That person had a family who will miss him terribly. She had a life, one that will no longer exist. I don't doubt that fighting for one's country and dying for one's country is a high honour, but there comes a time where common sense must rule.

We need to call attention to the individuals fighting this war. I recently watched a television broadcast of a memorial ceremony for the Iraq war. Each individual name of killed American was read aloud. This is a start, but not enough. We need something that will give all of us back home a loud wake up call. This war is not something that we can hide in numbers on a page, but rather something that we should measure by the individual.

Then, I believe, we will realize that this war is not worth fighting. That staying the course is a bull-headed ploy and that we need not just a new direction in Iraq, but a full removal from Iraq. The damage done is, at least for the time being, irreparable.

Think of your daughter blown to bits, body parts scattered across a field. Then ask yourself when it's time to pull out of this war.