So long Sue! You'll be missed!

Long-time sexologist and my favourite grandmother figure, Sue from Oxygen's Talk Sex with Sue is retiring! See this link.

An entry from a few years ago

Sitting there waiting for it all to come crashing in, he rhymically breathes trying to keep his composure, trying to keep it all in. He closes his eyes, squeezing them shut. Nervously his hands run through his hair. Sweat begins to pour. His throat tightens; breathing becomes labored. His hands grab fist-fulls of hair, trying to regain composure, fighting the loss of control. All color drains from his face; breathing becomes faster, shallower. Throuh his eyelids he can see the scene begin to spin. Objects blur, lights become streaks of color, silence takes over. He can no longer take it; he gives up, lets go. He falls. A nauseating crack. A burst of light, white and blue, then blackness.

How Stella Got Her Groove Back

It seems that things are finally looking up.

Or perhaps just not so bleak.

I feel awful, but my current state of mind stems partly from my ability to take part in the consumerism of this country: I've spent well over $100 today, and I've yet to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  And what's more, most of this money has been spent on products for me.  Not things like food or gas; we're talking hair products, soaps, a haircut, etc...  But at least I feel better now about me and my self-image than I have in some months.  I was ready for a change.

I need to take better care of myself.  It's when I let myself go that I feel the worst.

I know it's cliche, but I've once again found that, when a door closes, another opens.  This semester has been the end of much drama and it feels that I'm finally seeing the end of all the pressure, pain and confusion I've felt.  The sky is clearing; the rain is subsiding and the summer sun is rising.  If anything, I see my goals are finally being realized, that I can learn to forgive myself and the individuals who have caused me much grief.  But more importantly, it's time to set new goals, to once again revision my future, whatever that may entail.  I'm happy to be moving on, to finally have some sort of reason to pick myself up.  I'm happy that I'm once again finding a reason to believe in humanity, to hope in the individuals around me.

I'm back on track.  And it makes me smile.  See...   :-)

I'm beginning to think something's wrong.  I don't feel unhappy, depressed, down or anything like that.  Nor do I feel tired or lonely.

"I'm counting on a new beginning 

a reason for living 

a deeper meaning"

Perhaps I'm losing focus here.  Although I've registered for school next semester, I have no desire to go.  I really have no desire to complete this semester... It all seems so pointless right now, and I can't tell why.  School has always been my lighthouse, my refuge, the thing that keeps me going, and now my one guiding light is dimming.

Thoughts keep running through my mind, distracting me from the goal.  All that's passed over the past few months has taken a toll on me.  I question my ability to have a meaningful relationship, or even if I should; I question what it means to love another human.  It seems that everything I touch falls apart.

Something needs to change.  I need to move on, do something different, meet new people, try to find myself again.  But I'm trapped... I'm so close to having my BA, to finishing school.  Everyone else wants me to go on, and I guess I should.

I guess it comes down to this:  I've fucked up two other lives, and passingly touched myriad others... and I've left parts of myself along the way.  I guess in a way, they win.  

Perhaps if I had been successful a few months ago, no one would have to deal with this... and neither would I.

I feel like I'm getting sick again: my stomach has been hurting constantly for a few days and its not responding to my meds.  I guess I'll get to go through another round of liquid diets soon... and a loss of 20lbs...  It's a real confidence booster to look in the mirror and find only vestiges of yourself, a fragment, a half-self.  Emaciated.

"Got a stack of books,

So I could learn how to live;
Many are left half-read, 
Covered by the cobwebs on my shelf.
And I got a list of laws,
Growing longer everyday;
If I keep pluggin' away, 
Maybe one day I'll perfect myself.
Oh, but all of my labor, 
Seems to be in vain;
And all of my laws, 
Just cause me more pain;
So I fall before You, 
In all of my shame;
Ready and willing to be changed-

Own me
Take all that I am,
And heal me
With the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me 
With Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me

Oh, you call me Daughter,
And you take my blame;
And you run to meet me,
When I cry out Your name,
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame.
Lord, I am willing to be changed"

Forward motion: Progress

Theory has ruined my life.

As per usual, the end of the semester is bringing much frustration and angst as paper due-dates stack up. I feel like I've done nothing but read and write for the past month, and another month of the same promises to follow. All I know to do it weather the storm: push through as best I can and pray for the summer sun to follow quickly.

But it's times like this that make me question my life and its direction (or perhaps lack thereof). Right now, the thought of doing five more years of school beyond my undergraduate makes me physically ill. Writing more papers, preparing presentations, and attending conferences all seem to be more work than I really want to pursue. I am aware of the benefits of completing a PhD, but part of me is looking for a change in the pace of my life. Something novel needs to happen... and who knows what that may mean.

So, In an effort to continue the never-ending pursuit of myself, I've decided the following:
1. I will become a non-practicing homosexual. This means that any relationship is out of the question. I'm officially on hiatus from any and all relationships with men (or women, for that matter).
2. I am removing myself from any and all social events as of today. I will not attend parties, nor will I participate in any on campus functions. I will be available by e-mail and phone; that's it.

This may seem like isolationism, but trust me, it needs to be done. I need to focus on school right now and getting myself through the program I've selected. Only then will I be ready to add the other things in life back in.

Fuck in counterpoint

Finding yourself still wanting

Tu as raison, mon ami. Que puis-je dire encore? And what's more, I knew this from the start and should have heeded your warnings and advice. Que puis-je faire encore? Rien, maintenant. Exactement ça.

I'm finding it increasingly harder to think straight.

Forgive the pun.

Tu as peur d'être heureux? Me too. Imagine that.
I find vexing memories crowding my mind, and I can't seem to shake to feeling of loneliness. I can't take the invasion anymore! Comment survivre? The world keeps on turning... Tu sais les mots qui suivent.

How does it feel to find joy, pleasure, comfort, meaning in hurting?
It sucks, I know. I blew it; I fucked up, but must all be left in pieces? Qui l'a choisi?
Qui sait?

I invite Truth back in the room, and ask her to translate my message to you: I wish you well, though this will never be a goodbye.

You're never alone, jamais seul.

Je veux bien que tu pourrais encore parler à moi, rire avec moi. Quelle audace, non?

e e cummings

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
-the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for each other: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis

"Everything is Illuminated" - Jonathan Safran Foer

"I'm not going to lie and tell you that the future is full of promises. He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by feelings that nothing was right, or nothing was fulfilled, alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in the aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over. I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others - the only thing worse than being sad is others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room."

Queering the self? : Reclamation and Use of Queer

Recent discussion in my LGBT Studies course has prompted much thinking on the use of the term "queer" and my personal identification. I have for the recent past identified as a gay man, largely because that is the political community to which I most strongly feel I belong. I am now finding, however, that my political beliefs are somewhat anti-assimilationist in nature and are overtly "queer" in nature, or at least fall under the paradigm of "queer politics".

But does the fact that many of my political values align with queerness mean that I should change my self identification as a gay man? What would this change mean to me, and how would it affect society's view of me as an extension of a community? I have been resistant to the term queer for several reasons: 1) identity politics are often difficult for me to conceive as something that is holistically personal and holistically political, and 2)The term queer still has vestiges of its pejorative meaning both for me personally and for society as a whole (or at least outside the academic community), and 3) I'm really struggling with associating myself with a community that can only be defined in the negative (or lack), as in a community that uses a lack of definition as its definition.

Allow me to comment on this last reservation. I believe, or perhaps I've just be been taught, that this lack of definition stems from the post-modernist de-centering of meanings and reality. Butler argues that Feminist movements are having trouble organizing themselves simply because there cannot exist and overarching and essentialist term that is "woman". Therefore, I believe that the term "queer" is an effort for people of marginalized sexual groups to provide a political face to a community while expressing the post-modernist decentralization of identity.

But I often wonder how useful this multiplicity of meaning is when it comes to identity politics and notions of selfhood. To allow for identity categories to be both constantly salient and constantly contestable sounds a bit like chaos to me. If a college student is in dire need of a self realization, but can't come to a sense of self simply because meanings of identity categories are constantly fluid, then how detrimental will her search for self be to her psyche? Will she ever be able to find "herself". And even if she is successful, then what's to say that her identity will not change tomorrow?

Now obviously identities change over time. What it means to be a women when one is ten years of age and what it means to be a married women with children at age 45 is holistically different. Identities are malleable and our societal scripts are edited as we negotiate our way through life. But to build a communal politics around identities that are never stable (and who would ever want them to be?) seems a bit dangerous to me. Moreover, I see using the blanket term of "queer" to mean gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, gender-queer, etc. as a faulty method of gaining political visibility. By using a blanket term to give a voice to the voiceless, you are removing the visibility of difference, which is what the whole movement was trying to give voice to in the first place.

Perhaps I'm still just a little too reserved on this issue. Today's class discussion has made me more open to the term, at least in an academic sense if not personally as well. My ideas of what it means to be "queer" are changing, and I'm hoping its for the better. Perhaps I need to reconceptualize my ideas of personal identity politics and what it means to me to be a gay man, or a member of the gay community. What privileges could I be unknowingly holding on to by my self-identification? Would identifying as queer demonstrate my want of a gender-inclusive movement that is not present within the gay community (since lesbians are so often left out)?

Look for more on this issue as the semester unfolds. :-)

No Country for Old Men, Cormac McCarthy

"They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. I don't know what them eyes was the windows to and I guess I'd as soon not know. But there is another view of the world out there and other eyes to see it and that's where this is goin'. It has done brought me to a place in my life I would not of thought I'd come to. Somewhere out there is a true and living prophet of destruction and I don't want to confront him. I know he's real. I have seen his work. I walked in front of those eyes once. I won't do it again. I won't push my chips forward and stand up and go out to meet him. It ain't just bein' older. I wish that is was. I can't say that it's even what you are willin' to do. Because I always knew you had to be willin' to die to even do this job. That was always true. Not to sound glorious about it or nothin' but you do. If you ain't they'll know it. They'll see it in a heartbeat. I think it is more like what you are willin' to become. And I think a man would have to put his soul at hazard. And I won't do that. I think now that maybe I never would."