Some Musings on Love: Part 1

It's been about a year now since I've realized that I'm polyamourous. *You can pick you jaw up off the floor now* And several people have asked me what I think about love in light of my polyamourous views.

I've been wanting to post my thoughts on this subject, but have neglected to do so because 1) I really haven't had the time to mess with my thoughts, and 2) I wanted to be sure to have something semi-sensical to present. I know you may be thinking, "he's been through a bad break up, he's bitter, he's hurt and he's full of hot air!" Perhaps you're right. I'll leave that possibility open for the time being. I'll let you decide once you make it to the end of this.

So let me lay some foundations for my argument.
1. I believe that love does not exist. At least not in the way most people view love. Our (society's) notions of love are constructed and are heavily linked to sexism, racism, homophobia, etc. From early on, we are taught as children that we are to fall in love with one person, of the opposite sex (I won't go into the assumptions here), and that we are to marry and remain faithful to our "true love". While the narrative may be very romantic, it does nothing more than perpetuate heteronormativity and is anything (fasten your pew belts) but the "norm". Nowhere will you find a day care that actively educates children that there are many different kinds of families, save for perhaps in the Castro district. But then again, the gays aren't supposed to be having kids, right?

2. The construction of love has a history. But I won't bore you with the biblical implications of love, nor with those nasty Greeks and Eros... We'll just do a small bit of time travel. Alert: If you are like more than half of this country, you don't have a normal family (but that might be news to you). That's right folks, the nuclear family of the 1950s is still the standard. Husband, wife, two kids - oh, and did I forget to mention that the hierarchy of power follows that order? Everyone, please welcome Sexism to the stage! Granted many heterosexual relationships are becoming more egalitarian, but husband-over-wife domination is still very prevalent. Men are by and large considered the head of the household, and this image as man-as-leader is perpetuated by the media and by religious groups - but let's not open up that can of worms.

3. Love is a commodity. We are sold love in every aspect of our lives. Love comes pre-packaged in the form of flowers, silicone implants, and Barbie... AND with Love Spell from Victoria's Secret, love is quite literally in the air. Do you realize that the majority of the items you buy are to please the people around you or to make you're partner happy? And let's just bypass the whole issue of anniversaries, Valentine's day, Christmas, etc... Moreover, is it not painfully obvious how much money is spent in marketing "love" to consumers through the modeling industry - billboards, television commercials, radio spots, spam mailings, newsletters, newspaper ads, pop-ups (need I go on)?

I'll stop before you think I'm a delusional freak. ;-)

So, what is love, you ask? I'll save that one for part two.

How much is too much?

Admittedly, I agree with some of the values that PETA holds. I believe that animals, who are dependent on us for their basic needs, should be treated ethically. I'm working on becoming a vegan (or at least vegetarian) who is aware of and educated on the commodification and trafficking of living, feeling beings in a greater global market. And while I respect an organization's right to protest, I have to wonder, how much is too much? Using scantily clad women? Blood? Bondage? (photo credit: reason.com)

I'll let you decide.

The end of gender?

After all the gender studies I've been through, it's nice to finally see some research in support of what many genderist and feminists have been arguing for! Again, I think that a good look at masculinity and it's construction would do us all some good. Michael Kimmel, anyone?

Link here from feministing.com.

Better relationships without gender roles

I know this won't come as a shock to all you feminists, but relationships that don't hew to traditional gender roles are more equal.

Notably, same-sex relationships, whether between men or women, were far more egalitarian than heterosexual ones. In heterosexual couples, women did far more of the housework; men were more likely to have the financial responsibility; and men were more likely to initiate sex, while women were more likely to refuse it or to start a conversation about problems in the relationship. With same-sex couples, of course, none of these dichotomies were possible, and the partners tended to share the burdens far more equally.

While the gay and lesbian couples had about the same rate of conflict as the heterosexual ones, they appeared to have more relationship satisfaction, suggesting that the inequality of opposite-sex relationships can take a toll.

We've written a lot about research that shows unequal opposite-sex relationships "can take a toll" -- mostly on women, who are still stuck with the bulk of the housework. So it's understandable that, in a relationship where neither partner is socially "marked" as the one responsible for housework, things would be more equitable on that front.

Beyond the housework example, I thought the article was going to veer into "all women resolve conflict, and all men avoid it, therefore gay couples don't fight" territory. But I was pleasantly surprised. It's more about how couples interact within their relationship -- not necessarily about the gender of the individuals involved. I was relieved to see one of the researchers quoted as saying, "“Like everybody else, I thought this was male behavior and female behavior, but it’s not."

Of course, the overall frame for the article -- that same-sex couples are more equitable and therefore happier -- is a generalization. There are egalitarian hetero relationships. There are queer relationships where gender roles come into play. The take-away lesson should simply be that with more equality -- and with some breathing room from society's expectations for our gender -- we're all a lot happier in relationships.

Thanks, UofL

Recently the University of Louisville has come under attack for supporting its LGBT faculty, staff and students. Right-wing conservative groups have been hailing UofL's creation of a center for LGBT Services, partnership benefits, and new LGBT curriculum (from the newly hired Dr. Kaila Story) as signs that UofL has lost touch with family values and seeks to support special interest groups.

I was relieved to read Dr. Shirley Willihnganz's op-ed piece that underscores UofL's commitment to diversity: not only in LGBT issues, but issues of race, nationality, research, development, etc. A university that supports and encourages diversity is the perfect model for coalitional learning. We not only learn from stats and facts, but from the life experiences of each other. It's only when we are able to examine the intersections of the issues that face all of us, regardless of where we fall in the identity comma set, that we can truly hope for change.

Please write to Dr. Willihnganz thanking her for the University's continued commitment to diversity.

From CJ <link here>

David Edmunds of the Family Foundation recently wrote a piece that attacked the University of Louisville for decisions made to help our gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender students, faculty and staff. Edmunds seemed bent on alerting the community to what he considers horrific practices and developments at U of L. So let's look at these "alerts." (For the record, we got this idea from PageOneKentucky.com.)

Alert: U of L has gay people. Yes we do. And straight people. Black people. White people. People of all races and ethnicities. Our commitment to diversity means that all kinds of people engage in their quest for knowledge and a better life by coming here. This is a good thing. Just as we learn from facts and data, we learn from each other. That learning is more effective and more meaningful if it happens in an environment of trust and tolerance. As President James Ramsey says, the University of Louisville, as well as the Louisville community, values diversity.

Alert: U of L has a center for LGBT. Yes we do. We also have centers for political leadership, for predictive medicine, for humanities and society, for spinal cord injury research, for international students and for the visual arts. All of these, and many others, contribute to the mosaic of opportunity for us to fulfill our mission of increasing understanding of ourselves and our world.

Alert: U of L faculty study drag queens. We also study cancer cells, pollution in our rivers and air, child abuse, the history of the underground railroad, movement disorders, the old and new testament, the mysteries of the heart, how to make manufacturing in Kentucky more competitive, how to build a logistics cluster in our community, and many other topics. This is the essence of a university and the core value of academic freedom. Universities must be unafraid to look at anything and everything that could make our world a better place. We can't shirk from asking those questions simply because some folks might not like them.

Alert: We are also committed to telling the truth. So, when writing articles, we get the salary right (The head of our LGBT center also works for HR, so not all of his salary is for LGBT services), we get the health insurance policy right (our policy covers certain adults living with an employee, and could include adult children, brothers, sisters, friends) and we get the tag line right:

Commitment to Diversity, Freedom and Truth: It's Happening Here.

SHIRLEY C. WILLIHNGANZ

Provost

University of Louisville

Louisville 40292

A follow-up

Just a follow-up to my previous post; more evidence that racism is still rampant in our nation. Even that type of racism which is hidden, suppressed, and thought to be long gone still affects how we think/visualize people. It's still amazes me just how interpellated we all are into systematic modes of thinking.

Go here.

Confessions of a Neo-White Supremacist

Given the atmosphere of the current political debates and the division within the Democratic Party, I'm not surprised that lay people are making such an issue over the gender and race questions present within both candidates' campaigns. What does surprise me, however, is the amount of ignorance I've seen over the past month. With the race heating up and coming down to the final wire, it's unfortunate to hear so many people take reductionistic views of the campaign. (Ireland.com photo credit.)

Take, for example, a recent conversation I've had over a few cigarettes with a construction worker staying at my hotel. I'll call the guy Tom (I don't know his real name). Tom and I were discussing the recent primaries in Indiana and North Carolina when he said, "It's sad that that black man is going to get the nomination."
"Why?" I asked.
Tom responded, "Well, he's just going to change a lot of things, ya know, for the black people, and forget about us whites. He's going to change a lot of laws - we'll be taking steps backwards."

Hidden (or perhaps not so well hidden) within his words is the racist notion that somehow black people deserve to be controlled, manipulated, commodified and used to the betterment of the only racial group deserving of power: whites.

I am still amazed at the amount of blatant racism that still exists in the country today. I was in shock at this man's statements - so much so that I didn't provide much of a retort. I did however, express that the man had one thing right in his assessment of the presidential race: thing will change with Obama as the nominee. But unlike my conversation partner, I believe things will change for the better. Given his speeches on race over the past few months, Obama understands the need this country has for healing and for a coalitional politics for the people. Change needs to happen. Ignorance needs to be wiped out. Education of the masses must happen if we are ever going to move beyond the white supremacist thinking.

Tom also did not realize how temporal his statements were. By stating that "changing laws" to favor a currently marginalized group will somehow "revert" the country to an older time seems odd to me. Kath Weston in Gender in Real Time shows how lesbian feminist of the early 90s used the "Old dyke at the bar" narrative to historicize their own current movement while positing the "old dyke" as an historical artifact. This use of the temporal allows the legitimation of the then contemporary movement as "current" and "progressive" while oppositionally setting the "old dyke" as a fictive character that stands in the way of progress. Thus Tom's statements that reify (and temporalize) slavery and civil rights narratives as a collective artifact legitimize his white supremacist claims. Again we see the reduction of myriad narratives (and many that are still contemporary) to a single time frame. What goes unnoticed by Tom or many other lay persons who hold similar views are the ways in which the past and negotiated uses of time or the temporal still affect and shape how we think of things today.

Thing must change. And change they will.

So long Sue! You'll be missed!

Long-time sexologist and my favourite grandmother figure, Sue from Oxygen's Talk Sex with Sue is retiring! See this link.

An entry from a few years ago

Sitting there waiting for it all to come crashing in, he rhymically breathes trying to keep his composure, trying to keep it all in. He closes his eyes, squeezing them shut. Nervously his hands run through his hair. Sweat begins to pour. His throat tightens; breathing becomes labored. His hands grab fist-fulls of hair, trying to regain composure, fighting the loss of control. All color drains from his face; breathing becomes faster, shallower. Throuh his eyelids he can see the scene begin to spin. Objects blur, lights become streaks of color, silence takes over. He can no longer take it; he gives up, lets go. He falls. A nauseating crack. A burst of light, white and blue, then blackness.

How Stella Got Her Groove Back

It seems that things are finally looking up.

Or perhaps just not so bleak.

I feel awful, but my current state of mind stems partly from my ability to take part in the consumerism of this country: I've spent well over $100 today, and I've yet to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  And what's more, most of this money has been spent on products for me.  Not things like food or gas; we're talking hair products, soaps, a haircut, etc...  But at least I feel better now about me and my self-image than I have in some months.  I was ready for a change.

I need to take better care of myself.  It's when I let myself go that I feel the worst.

I know it's cliche, but I've once again found that, when a door closes, another opens.  This semester has been the end of much drama and it feels that I'm finally seeing the end of all the pressure, pain and confusion I've felt.  The sky is clearing; the rain is subsiding and the summer sun is rising.  If anything, I see my goals are finally being realized, that I can learn to forgive myself and the individuals who have caused me much grief.  But more importantly, it's time to set new goals, to once again revision my future, whatever that may entail.  I'm happy to be moving on, to finally have some sort of reason to pick myself up.  I'm happy that I'm once again finding a reason to believe in humanity, to hope in the individuals around me.

I'm back on track.  And it makes me smile.  See...   :-)

I'm beginning to think something's wrong.  I don't feel unhappy, depressed, down or anything like that.  Nor do I feel tired or lonely.

"I'm counting on a new beginning 

a reason for living 

a deeper meaning"

Perhaps I'm losing focus here.  Although I've registered for school next semester, I have no desire to go.  I really have no desire to complete this semester... It all seems so pointless right now, and I can't tell why.  School has always been my lighthouse, my refuge, the thing that keeps me going, and now my one guiding light is dimming.

Thoughts keep running through my mind, distracting me from the goal.  All that's passed over the past few months has taken a toll on me.  I question my ability to have a meaningful relationship, or even if I should; I question what it means to love another human.  It seems that everything I touch falls apart.

Something needs to change.  I need to move on, do something different, meet new people, try to find myself again.  But I'm trapped... I'm so close to having my BA, to finishing school.  Everyone else wants me to go on, and I guess I should.

I guess it comes down to this:  I've fucked up two other lives, and passingly touched myriad others... and I've left parts of myself along the way.  I guess in a way, they win.  

Perhaps if I had been successful a few months ago, no one would have to deal with this... and neither would I.

I feel like I'm getting sick again: my stomach has been hurting constantly for a few days and its not responding to my meds.  I guess I'll get to go through another round of liquid diets soon... and a loss of 20lbs...  It's a real confidence booster to look in the mirror and find only vestiges of yourself, a fragment, a half-self.  Emaciated.

"Got a stack of books,

So I could learn how to live;
Many are left half-read, 
Covered by the cobwebs on my shelf.
And I got a list of laws,
Growing longer everyday;
If I keep pluggin' away, 
Maybe one day I'll perfect myself.
Oh, but all of my labor, 
Seems to be in vain;
And all of my laws, 
Just cause me more pain;
So I fall before You, 
In all of my shame;
Ready and willing to be changed-

Own me
Take all that I am,
And heal me
With the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me 
With Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me

Oh, you call me Daughter,
And you take my blame;
And you run to meet me,
When I cry out Your name,
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame.
Lord, I am willing to be changed"