I'm beginning to think something's wrong.  I don't feel unhappy, depressed, down or anything like that.  Nor do I feel tired or lonely.

"I'm counting on a new beginning 

a reason for living 

a deeper meaning"

Perhaps I'm losing focus here.  Although I've registered for school next semester, I have no desire to go.  I really have no desire to complete this semester... It all seems so pointless right now, and I can't tell why.  School has always been my lighthouse, my refuge, the thing that keeps me going, and now my one guiding light is dimming.

Thoughts keep running through my mind, distracting me from the goal.  All that's passed over the past few months has taken a toll on me.  I question my ability to have a meaningful relationship, or even if I should; I question what it means to love another human.  It seems that everything I touch falls apart.

Something needs to change.  I need to move on, do something different, meet new people, try to find myself again.  But I'm trapped... I'm so close to having my BA, to finishing school.  Everyone else wants me to go on, and I guess I should.

I guess it comes down to this:  I've fucked up two other lives, and passingly touched myriad others... and I've left parts of myself along the way.  I guess in a way, they win.  

Perhaps if I had been successful a few months ago, no one would have to deal with this... and neither would I.

I feel like I'm getting sick again: my stomach has been hurting constantly for a few days and its not responding to my meds.  I guess I'll get to go through another round of liquid diets soon... and a loss of 20lbs...  It's a real confidence booster to look in the mirror and find only vestiges of yourself, a fragment, a half-self.  Emaciated.

"Got a stack of books,

So I could learn how to live;
Many are left half-read, 
Covered by the cobwebs on my shelf.
And I got a list of laws,
Growing longer everyday;
If I keep pluggin' away, 
Maybe one day I'll perfect myself.
Oh, but all of my labor, 
Seems to be in vain;
And all of my laws, 
Just cause me more pain;
So I fall before You, 
In all of my shame;
Ready and willing to be changed-

Own me
Take all that I am,
And heal me
With the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me 
With Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me

Oh, you call me Daughter,
And you take my blame;
And you run to meet me,
When I cry out Your name,
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame.
Lord, I am willing to be changed"