Thanks, UofL

Recently the University of Louisville has come under attack for supporting its LGBT faculty, staff and students. Right-wing conservative groups have been hailing UofL's creation of a center for LGBT Services, partnership benefits, and new LGBT curriculum (from the newly hired Dr. Kaila Story) as signs that UofL has lost touch with family values and seeks to support special interest groups.

I was relieved to read Dr. Shirley Willihnganz's op-ed piece that underscores UofL's commitment to diversity: not only in LGBT issues, but issues of race, nationality, research, development, etc. A university that supports and encourages diversity is the perfect model for coalitional learning. We not only learn from stats and facts, but from the life experiences of each other. It's only when we are able to examine the intersections of the issues that face all of us, regardless of where we fall in the identity comma set, that we can truly hope for change.

Please write to Dr. Willihnganz thanking her for the University's continued commitment to diversity.

From CJ <link here>

David Edmunds of the Family Foundation recently wrote a piece that attacked the University of Louisville for decisions made to help our gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender students, faculty and staff. Edmunds seemed bent on alerting the community to what he considers horrific practices and developments at U of L. So let's look at these "alerts." (For the record, we got this idea from PageOneKentucky.com.)

Alert: U of L has gay people. Yes we do. And straight people. Black people. White people. People of all races and ethnicities. Our commitment to diversity means that all kinds of people engage in their quest for knowledge and a better life by coming here. This is a good thing. Just as we learn from facts and data, we learn from each other. That learning is more effective and more meaningful if it happens in an environment of trust and tolerance. As President James Ramsey says, the University of Louisville, as well as the Louisville community, values diversity.

Alert: U of L has a center for LGBT. Yes we do. We also have centers for political leadership, for predictive medicine, for humanities and society, for spinal cord injury research, for international students and for the visual arts. All of these, and many others, contribute to the mosaic of opportunity for us to fulfill our mission of increasing understanding of ourselves and our world.

Alert: U of L faculty study drag queens. We also study cancer cells, pollution in our rivers and air, child abuse, the history of the underground railroad, movement disorders, the old and new testament, the mysteries of the heart, how to make manufacturing in Kentucky more competitive, how to build a logistics cluster in our community, and many other topics. This is the essence of a university and the core value of academic freedom. Universities must be unafraid to look at anything and everything that could make our world a better place. We can't shirk from asking those questions simply because some folks might not like them.

Alert: We are also committed to telling the truth. So, when writing articles, we get the salary right (The head of our LGBT center also works for HR, so not all of his salary is for LGBT services), we get the health insurance policy right (our policy covers certain adults living with an employee, and could include adult children, brothers, sisters, friends) and we get the tag line right:

Commitment to Diversity, Freedom and Truth: It's Happening Here.

SHIRLEY C. WILLIHNGANZ

Provost

University of Louisville

Louisville 40292

A follow-up

Just a follow-up to my previous post; more evidence that racism is still rampant in our nation. Even that type of racism which is hidden, suppressed, and thought to be long gone still affects how we think/visualize people. It's still amazes me just how interpellated we all are into systematic modes of thinking.

Go here.

Confessions of a Neo-White Supremacist

Given the atmosphere of the current political debates and the division within the Democratic Party, I'm not surprised that lay people are making such an issue over the gender and race questions present within both candidates' campaigns. What does surprise me, however, is the amount of ignorance I've seen over the past month. With the race heating up and coming down to the final wire, it's unfortunate to hear so many people take reductionistic views of the campaign. (Ireland.com photo credit.)

Take, for example, a recent conversation I've had over a few cigarettes with a construction worker staying at my hotel. I'll call the guy Tom (I don't know his real name). Tom and I were discussing the recent primaries in Indiana and North Carolina when he said, "It's sad that that black man is going to get the nomination."
"Why?" I asked.
Tom responded, "Well, he's just going to change a lot of things, ya know, for the black people, and forget about us whites. He's going to change a lot of laws - we'll be taking steps backwards."

Hidden (or perhaps not so well hidden) within his words is the racist notion that somehow black people deserve to be controlled, manipulated, commodified and used to the betterment of the only racial group deserving of power: whites.

I am still amazed at the amount of blatant racism that still exists in the country today. I was in shock at this man's statements - so much so that I didn't provide much of a retort. I did however, express that the man had one thing right in his assessment of the presidential race: thing will change with Obama as the nominee. But unlike my conversation partner, I believe things will change for the better. Given his speeches on race over the past few months, Obama understands the need this country has for healing and for a coalitional politics for the people. Change needs to happen. Ignorance needs to be wiped out. Education of the masses must happen if we are ever going to move beyond the white supremacist thinking.

Tom also did not realize how temporal his statements were. By stating that "changing laws" to favor a currently marginalized group will somehow "revert" the country to an older time seems odd to me. Kath Weston in Gender in Real Time shows how lesbian feminist of the early 90s used the "Old dyke at the bar" narrative to historicize their own current movement while positing the "old dyke" as an historical artifact. This use of the temporal allows the legitimation of the then contemporary movement as "current" and "progressive" while oppositionally setting the "old dyke" as a fictive character that stands in the way of progress. Thus Tom's statements that reify (and temporalize) slavery and civil rights narratives as a collective artifact legitimize his white supremacist claims. Again we see the reduction of myriad narratives (and many that are still contemporary) to a single time frame. What goes unnoticed by Tom or many other lay persons who hold similar views are the ways in which the past and negotiated uses of time or the temporal still affect and shape how we think of things today.

Thing must change. And change they will.

So long Sue! You'll be missed!

Long-time sexologist and my favourite grandmother figure, Sue from Oxygen's Talk Sex with Sue is retiring! See this link.

An entry from a few years ago

Sitting there waiting for it all to come crashing in, he rhymically breathes trying to keep his composure, trying to keep it all in. He closes his eyes, squeezing them shut. Nervously his hands run through his hair. Sweat begins to pour. His throat tightens; breathing becomes labored. His hands grab fist-fulls of hair, trying to regain composure, fighting the loss of control. All color drains from his face; breathing becomes faster, shallower. Throuh his eyelids he can see the scene begin to spin. Objects blur, lights become streaks of color, silence takes over. He can no longer take it; he gives up, lets go. He falls. A nauseating crack. A burst of light, white and blue, then blackness.

How Stella Got Her Groove Back

It seems that things are finally looking up.

Or perhaps just not so bleak.

I feel awful, but my current state of mind stems partly from my ability to take part in the consumerism of this country: I've spent well over $100 today, and I've yet to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  And what's more, most of this money has been spent on products for me.  Not things like food or gas; we're talking hair products, soaps, a haircut, etc...  But at least I feel better now about me and my self-image than I have in some months.  I was ready for a change.

I need to take better care of myself.  It's when I let myself go that I feel the worst.

I know it's cliche, but I've once again found that, when a door closes, another opens.  This semester has been the end of much drama and it feels that I'm finally seeing the end of all the pressure, pain and confusion I've felt.  The sky is clearing; the rain is subsiding and the summer sun is rising.  If anything, I see my goals are finally being realized, that I can learn to forgive myself and the individuals who have caused me much grief.  But more importantly, it's time to set new goals, to once again revision my future, whatever that may entail.  I'm happy to be moving on, to finally have some sort of reason to pick myself up.  I'm happy that I'm once again finding a reason to believe in humanity, to hope in the individuals around me.

I'm back on track.  And it makes me smile.  See...   :-)

I'm beginning to think something's wrong.  I don't feel unhappy, depressed, down or anything like that.  Nor do I feel tired or lonely.

"I'm counting on a new beginning 

a reason for living 

a deeper meaning"

Perhaps I'm losing focus here.  Although I've registered for school next semester, I have no desire to go.  I really have no desire to complete this semester... It all seems so pointless right now, and I can't tell why.  School has always been my lighthouse, my refuge, the thing that keeps me going, and now my one guiding light is dimming.

Thoughts keep running through my mind, distracting me from the goal.  All that's passed over the past few months has taken a toll on me.  I question my ability to have a meaningful relationship, or even if I should; I question what it means to love another human.  It seems that everything I touch falls apart.

Something needs to change.  I need to move on, do something different, meet new people, try to find myself again.  But I'm trapped... I'm so close to having my BA, to finishing school.  Everyone else wants me to go on, and I guess I should.

I guess it comes down to this:  I've fucked up two other lives, and passingly touched myriad others... and I've left parts of myself along the way.  I guess in a way, they win.  

Perhaps if I had been successful a few months ago, no one would have to deal with this... and neither would I.

I feel like I'm getting sick again: my stomach has been hurting constantly for a few days and its not responding to my meds.  I guess I'll get to go through another round of liquid diets soon... and a loss of 20lbs...  It's a real confidence booster to look in the mirror and find only vestiges of yourself, a fragment, a half-self.  Emaciated.

"Got a stack of books,

So I could learn how to live;
Many are left half-read, 
Covered by the cobwebs on my shelf.
And I got a list of laws,
Growing longer everyday;
If I keep pluggin' away, 
Maybe one day I'll perfect myself.
Oh, but all of my labor, 
Seems to be in vain;
And all of my laws, 
Just cause me more pain;
So I fall before You, 
In all of my shame;
Ready and willing to be changed-

Own me
Take all that I am,
And heal me
With the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me 
With Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me

Oh, you call me Daughter,
And you take my blame;
And you run to meet me,
When I cry out Your name,
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame.
Lord, I am willing to be changed"

Forward motion: Progress

Theory has ruined my life.

As per usual, the end of the semester is bringing much frustration and angst as paper due-dates stack up. I feel like I've done nothing but read and write for the past month, and another month of the same promises to follow. All I know to do it weather the storm: push through as best I can and pray for the summer sun to follow quickly.

But it's times like this that make me question my life and its direction (or perhaps lack thereof). Right now, the thought of doing five more years of school beyond my undergraduate makes me physically ill. Writing more papers, preparing presentations, and attending conferences all seem to be more work than I really want to pursue. I am aware of the benefits of completing a PhD, but part of me is looking for a change in the pace of my life. Something novel needs to happen... and who knows what that may mean.

So, In an effort to continue the never-ending pursuit of myself, I've decided the following:
1. I will become a non-practicing homosexual. This means that any relationship is out of the question. I'm officially on hiatus from any and all relationships with men (or women, for that matter).
2. I am removing myself from any and all social events as of today. I will not attend parties, nor will I participate in any on campus functions. I will be available by e-mail and phone; that's it.

This may seem like isolationism, but trust me, it needs to be done. I need to focus on school right now and getting myself through the program I've selected. Only then will I be ready to add the other things in life back in.

Fuck in counterpoint

Finding yourself still wanting

Tu as raison, mon ami. Que puis-je dire encore? And what's more, I knew this from the start and should have heeded your warnings and advice. Que puis-je faire encore? Rien, maintenant. Exactement ça.

I'm finding it increasingly harder to think straight.

Forgive the pun.

Tu as peur d'être heureux? Me too. Imagine that.
I find vexing memories crowding my mind, and I can't seem to shake to feeling of loneliness. I can't take the invasion anymore! Comment survivre? The world keeps on turning... Tu sais les mots qui suivent.

How does it feel to find joy, pleasure, comfort, meaning in hurting?
It sucks, I know. I blew it; I fucked up, but must all be left in pieces? Qui l'a choisi?
Qui sait?

I invite Truth back in the room, and ask her to translate my message to you: I wish you well, though this will never be a goodbye.

You're never alone, jamais seul.

Je veux bien que tu pourrais encore parler à moi, rire avec moi. Quelle audace, non?

e e cummings

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
-the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for each other: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis